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Author Topic: Humor/WTF  (Read 165000 times)
Posts: 3

« Reply #50 on: July 08, 2008, 10:32:17 AM »

My new gym.  (Give it a minute.)
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #51 on: August 18, 2008, 06:48:37 PM »

Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2008 Darwin Awards


Too good not to share:

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.... Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.


Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.


Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at
the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.


Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2008, 06:51:39 PM by Crafty_Dog » Logged
« Reply #52 on: August 20, 2008, 03:03:34 PM »

Biden Prepares 50,000-Word Acceptance Speech

Senator to Address Convention on Wednesday, Thursday

In an indication that he expects to be Barack Obama's vice-presidential pick, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) has begun writing a 50,000-word acceptance speech, aides to the senator confirmed today.

The address, which Mr. Biden has been working on around the clock, is an abridged version of a 200,000-word acceptance speech that Mr. Biden wrote when he ran for President in 1988.

According to those familiar with the speech, if Mr. Biden is tapped as Mr. Obama's vice presidential choice the Delaware senator would begin delivering the speech on Wednesday night of the Democratic convention and conclude it on Thursday night.

Representatives of television news divisions said they were undecided as to how to cover the Biden speech, but none were willing to commit to covering the speech live in its entirety.

"We may wind up airing some of it on CNBC or maybe the USA Network, and then cut away to something else," said Carol Foyler on NBC News.  "We're basically going to treat it like the hammer throw."

Mr. Biden, who was accused of plagiarizing a speech by a British politician when he ran for President in 1988, is unlikely to get caught doing that this time, according to one aide: "If there are some plagiarized bits in this speech, he'll stick them at the end after the audience has lost consciousness."
« Reply #53 on: August 25, 2008, 04:49:32 PM »

Overheard at the DNC: Sharpton on the Constitution
David Weigel | August 25, 2008, 4:59pm
At the DNC. Rev. Al Sharpton, rushing from point A to point B, gets waylaid by a reason staffer. Another person horns in, and the following fragmented exchange occurs:

Fan: Reverend, Reverend! Can you sign my pocket Constitution?

Sharpton: (distracted) I won’t sign anything I haven’t read.

Sharpton rushes off, leaving a disappointed autograph seeker in his wake.
« Reply #54 on: September 10, 2008, 07:59:09 PM »

The following link leads to a tool that assists in reporting on the safety status of the Hadron Collider:
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #55 on: October 08, 2008, 02:48:06 PM »

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house..

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower..

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or Ipods.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?Huh

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #56 on: November 18, 2008, 07:30:53 PM »
« Reply #57 on: November 19, 2008, 11:55:38 AM »

Whoa. Think Arjan Chai would kick my butt if I hung it out that far.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #58 on: November 19, 2008, 07:43:43 PM »

 cheesy cheesy cheesy
« Reply #59 on: November 21, 2008, 07:58:55 AM »

I Love the Smell of Murderous Thuggery in the Evening

Radley Balko | November 20, 2008, 10:10pm

Legendary high-end Paris candle-maker Cire Trudon introduces "Ernesto," for those of you who want to fill your home with the scent of a sweaty, murdering Latin revolutionary:

In a hotel of Havana, sizzling under the stubborn sun of the Revolution, fierce overtones of leather and tobacco meddle with waxy silence of wood. Breaking out of the cool dimness, sly grimaces emerge, framed by the smoke of cigars and the barrels of guns.

Please note, this scent isn't for the proletariat.  This particular block of paraffin infused with the scent of glorious Marxist uprising will set you back a cool $75 for 9.5 ounces.  ¡Hasta la Victoria Siempre!

Thanks to Jim McCarthy for the link.

BBG edits to add: reminds me of the new t-shirt in my dresser drawer:

Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #60 on: November 21, 2008, 02:37:30 PM »

MUST, , , HAVE , , , THAT , , , SHIRT!!!  URL please?
« Reply #61 on: November 21, 2008, 03:33:39 PM »

The Peoples Cube, dude. Lotsa shirts you'll like there:

All the shirts:

The one in question:
« Reply #62 on: November 23, 2008, 01:24:38 PM »

Muslim illegals trying to sneak into Britain in a ham lorry

By Vincent Moss Political Editor, 23/11/2008

Five Iraqi Muslims whose religion forbids them from contact with pork were caught trying to sneak illegally into Britain - in a lorryload of ham.

Uk Border Agency officers searched the truck and found the gang hiding inside among tons of the meat.

The Polish-registered lorry, bound for Haverhill in Suffolk, was stopped at the French port of Calais.

The five were detained and handed to the French immigration authorities.

The attempt, last Wednesday, was all the more bizarre because Muslims are banned from eating or touching ham.

A uk Border Agency spokeswoman said: "We use heartbeat and breath detectors, sniffer dogs and visual searches to find illegal immigrants. A million lorries were searched last year"
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Posts: 42483

« Reply #63 on: November 23, 2008, 06:19:02 PM »

My title for the piece:  "Pigs bust Muslims in ham lorry".
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Posts: 15533

« Reply #64 on: November 23, 2008, 08:18:33 PM »

Imagine the screams if they'd been forced to ride in a ham truck. At least one embassy would have been burned down.  rolleyes
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Posts: 7833

« Reply #65 on: November 24, 2008, 03:40:58 PM »

spread the wealth:
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Posts: 42483

« Reply #66 on: December 04, 2008, 11:05:49 AM »

Storm in a C-cup - 130,000 boobs lost at sea
December 2, 2008 - 9:34AM

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia.  Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue.

The cargo is worth about $200,000, which is another blow for publisher ACP's parent company PBL, which is already in $4.3 billion of debt.  A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week.  The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next  48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.  Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine.

``Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are,'' Pintado said.
``If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.''
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #67 on: December 10, 2008, 06:58:30 PM »

Notice the age of the defenders of justice.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Life of Reilly

By Rick Reilly
ESPN The Magazine

We golfers are sick of all you Americans who call us useless Crisco butts wearing clothing salvaged from a Sherwin-Williams paint factory explosion. To you, we offer The Fab Foursome.

These four golfers not only fought off an armed robber, they chased him down in a golf cart and held him for police. And all without resorting to a single Big Bertha!

OK, true, the assailant was wearing underpants on his head. And, yes, the weapon was only a kitchen knife. And yes, he did move at the speed of Willard Scott on stilts, but what did you expect? We did say the guy got caught by golfers.

It all happened on Monday, Nov. 24, at around 4 p.m. at the Central Valley Golf Course in Salt Lake City. A, ahem, brief summary:

Scott Flick, 34, an assistant golf pro, was alone in the shop when, according to the charges, Barry Kramer, 48, entered wearing a pair of brown men's tighties on his head and carrying a 10-inch kitchen knife in his fist. Seeing nobody behind the cash register, he surprised Flick in his office and said, "Money!"

Then Flick said something very clever, which was: "Are you kidding me?!" Question No. 1: Why was the man wearing underpants on his head? A: Perhaps he planned to take the money and launder it.

Question No. 2: Was the color of the underpants originally brown or were they … A: "No," answers Flick. "They were not stained from the day before."

The point is, this man, who Flick thought outweighed him by 70 pounds, aimed to give Flick a slice that no lesson could cure. He thrust the knife at Flick's bellybutton, menacingly. "People ask me why I didn't just do what he wanted," recalls Flick, "but I was trapped in that office. I really felt threatened."

Surveillance cameras caught Flick grabbing the man's arms and shoving them above his head. The knife caught Flick's ear. Now it was Van Gogh time, pal. Flick wrestled the assailant out of the office, into a supply closet—carving up his own hand along the way—and hip-checked him into a shelf, breaking the knife off at the handle.

Finding himself at a golf course without a shank, the assailant fled, with Flick following him as he called 911. "I didn't even know my ear was cut until I looked at my phone and saw all the blood."

At that instant, three golfers were coming in from their round. Flick saw them and hollered, "Get this guy! He tried to rob me! I'm cut!"

Library custodian Bob Brewer, 58, spun the cart around in hot pursuit, with his friend, real-estate agent Reed Madsen, 57, sprinting behind. Next on the Golf Channel: America's Most Unforgettable Cart Chases!

In the parking lot, the third buddy—groundskeeper Gary Itow, 58—gave chase, too, a golf shoe on his right foot, a running shoe on his left, neither of them tied. "The guy still had the underwear on his head," Itow remembers. "He looked like maybe he was having trouble seeing."

Robbery 101: Leghole faces out.

As the assailant ran across the driving range, Brewer ran the nose of the cart into the back of his calves, felling him on the spot. He then jumped out and, along with his two buddies, stomped him flat while Itow kicked the knife handle out of his hand. A passing golfer came over offering aspirin. He thought the robber was having a heart attack. When they told him the man was actually a knife-waving maniac, the Good Samaritan moved away quickly. Exactly, son. Leave this to the experts.

Question No. 3: Did guys try to hit Bob's cart with seven-iron shots as he drove across the practice range? A: Surprisingly, no.

Police charged Kramer with aggravated robbery. And it turns out this may have been No. 2 for the Underpants Robber. A week before, a knife-wielding man walked into a suburban Salt Lake City pro shop with men's undergarments on his head and tried to rob it. Detectives for both cases say it's "possible" the cases are linked. (OK, so they're not exactly Scotland Yard.)

Rightly, the Fab Foursome is being hailed as heroes. Flick got 10 stitches in his right hand and a bonus which was way more than the nearly $200 in the register. For their courage, Flick gave the three buddies a free round of golf.

As for those three, they get out of their cart now with a certain bounce, according to Itow. "We say stuff to each other like, 'Go ahead, punk. Make my putt."

And get this: Hollywood executives have approached them about starring in a new TV series—CSI: Pro Shop. Question No. 4: Did you make that one up? A: Yes.
Posts: 17

« Reply #68 on: December 11, 2008, 11:46:25 PM »

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway
through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A hilot healer comes to mind...
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #69 on: December 12, 2008, 10:55:09 AM »

For those wondering what he is talking about, he is making a reference to a joke I tell at the beginning of "Combining Stick & Footwork".
« Reply #70 on: December 13, 2008, 11:18:55 AM »

I grew up in Illinois and remember well the period of time when Democrats in the House of Representative were stonewalling to prevent the investigation of Rostenkowski's (or Rottenkowski, as we called him back then) money laundering through the House Post Office. To now have this bozo write a semi-literate, self-aggrandizing, self-pitying circular snivel inspires a major bout of cognitive dissonance on my end.

In Defense of Chicago Politics
by Dan Rostenkowski
December 12, 2008 | 1:00pm

Dan Rostenkowski, the son of a ward boss who became a legendary congressman, on why Gov. Blagojevich shouldn't tar a whole city.

During my career as a public official, I always tried to steer away from the minority of my colleagues who viewed public service as a potential commercial enterprise. They’ve always been there and can be found in state capitols and in Washington.

Springfield, Illinois, is no exception, though I’d also argue that it is hardly unique. When I was in the Illinois General Assembly during the 1950s, I rejected an offer that would have given me a sweetheart stock deal in return for voting to support an expansion of the horseracing season.

I suspect such offers are still being made today. And I wouldn’t be surprised if some politicians found them attractive.
It is painful to recall my situation and, on a personal level, I can sympathize with the pain the governor’s family must feel and can uniquely understand their concerns about what comes next.

At the acme of my career, when I chaired the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes tax policy, I struggled successfully to restrain myself when a colleague suggested moving forward legislation he thought it would enhance our ability to raising money from oil interests. But such improper suggestions were more likely to come from outside lobbyists than from other elected officials.

As a politician who more than a decade ago was disciplined for breaking the rules, I’m still uncomfortable writing about it. It continues to overshadow the positive things I did, including a lonely battle to write and enact tax reform in l986. Apparently bad news trumps.

Similarly, the current story about one apparently corrupt Illinois politician is used to tar the reputation of all those who serve our state, despite the fact that most do so with distinction.
It is painful to recall my situation and, on a personal level, I can sympathize with the pain the governor’s family must feel and can uniquely understand their concerns about what comes next.

But I find his reported behavior troubling. There’s a big difference between running a sloppy office and staging a personally-beneficial auction to make policy and personnel decisions. That’s what disturbs the public. It bothers me, too.

It would be a mistake, though, to conclude that Chicago or Illinois produced a disproportionate share of bad apples. They’re present in both parties whenever opportunity appears.
And while they tarnish the reputation of the entire political profession, there’s little evidence suggesting the small minority involved is any larger than it is among doctors, lawyers or corporate executives. In each field, honesty and integrity are the norms. In each, a small number stray, some seriously. Cynics who see corruption as pervasive in politics are wrong.
As Nancy Reagan might put it, the correct response is to simply say no and to stay away from situations that threaten to compromise personal integrity.

Nonetheless, the temptations keep coming and at least a small percentage of politicians give in to them. A smaller group apparently actively seeks them out. As a rule, they’re as crude and inept as they are subversive of the public interest, so most are quickly caught.

Minimizing the problem is a continuing challenge. We need to reassure the public that such behavior is viewed as unacceptably out of bounds by the majority of politicians, who are trying to create a better country despite the lack of any consensus about how precisely to achieve that goal.

Many of my political colleagues are very wary of purists who resist the inevitable need to compromise and settle for half a loaf—or even a few slices—of what they construe as progress. But there’s a big difference forging a political compromise, which is part of the job, and running an auction where the highest bidder wins, which is wrong. Most politicians know the difference.

The few who don’t stain the reputations of the majority who know better.

Our focus on today’s scandal should not distract us from the positive role Illinois has had. in presidential contests, including this year’s. Abraham Lincoln’s record remains exemplary. I’ve always also thought of Ronald Reagan, who I both collaborated with and confronted—depending on the issue—as a son of Illinois. After all, he was born and educated here and California never robbed him of some basic Midwestern values—like straight talk and a willingness to split the difference with the other side and acknowledge that a modest victory was preferable to a principled, but uncompromising stand that precluded any progress.

For Illinois politicians, this is both the best of the times and the worse of times. For Americans, the election of a new president with the potential to change things for the better should—and soon will, I hope, overshadow the tainted debate about his senate successor.

Dan Rostenkowski served as U.S. Congressman from Illinois from 1959 to 1995.

« Reply #71 on: December 17, 2008, 08:50:00 PM »

Here’s a possible, more interesting outcome from today’s Federal Reserve announcement. The rate cut thing is getting a little played out; what if Bernanke decides he might like to issue his own debt?

    [The Federal Reserve is] asking Congress about permission to issue their own debt directly, not tied to Treasuries.

    This is known in central banking circles as ‘cutting out the middleman.’ Not only does the Treasury no longer issue the currency, but they also no longer have any control over how much debt backed currency the Fed can now issue directly.

    If the Fed were able to issue its own debt, which is currently limited to Federal Reserve Notes backed by Treasuries under the Federal Reserve Act, it would provide Bernanke the ability to present a different class of debt to the investing public and foreign central banks.
« Reply #72 on: December 18, 2008, 12:52:20 PM »

Time to start a chutzpah thread?

Judge's daughter sues driver she ran into during crash
By BRIAN ROGERS Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle
Dec. 18, 2008, 7:42AM

Elizabeth Shelton, shown with her father, juvenile court Judge Pat Shelton, had a blood alcohol concentration more than three times the legal limit when the SUV she was driving rear-ended a truck, killing her boyfriend.

Convicted last year of intoxication manslaughter for the death of her boyfriend, the 21-year-old daughter of a state district judge is suing the truck driver she ran into during a drunken driving crash.

Elizabeth Shelton, the daughter of juvenile judge Pat Shelton, is accusing truck driver Lance Bennett of negligence in the Oct. 23, 2007, wreck that killed her boyfriend Matthew McNiece.

Shelton had a blood alcohol concentration more than three times the legal limit, two tests showed. She was sentenced to eight years' probation and had to serve four months in jail.
Shelton, her family and the family of the boyfriend who was killed are suing for $20,000 for the destruction of the Lexus SUV she was driving and an undetermined amount for mental anguish, pain and suffering.

Bennett was driving the box truck that Shelton rear-ended on the Southwest Freeway near Kirby around 2 a.m.

Bennett's attorney, John Havins, said the lawsuit, filed in October, was the last chance to make a claim before the statute of limitations ran out.

He noted that Shelton named 16 defendants, including insurance companies and banks. "They're just throwing everything against the wall to see if anything sticks," Havins said.
During Shelton's trial, an expert for the defense testified there was evidence that Bennett swerved into Shelton's lane. An expert for the prosecution, however, said there wasn't evidence that Bennett got in her way.

Testimony also showed that the company Bennett was working for let the insurance on the truck lapse.

"The injuries and property damage sustained by (Shelton and her family) were not the result of intentional acts, but were accidental and caused by the negligence of the uninsured/underinsured driver," Shelton's attorney Mark Sandoval wrote in the lawsuit.
« Reply #73 on: December 18, 2008, 07:32:36 PM »

Second post.

A purported Craigslist roommate wanted ad:

I am seeking out a roommate. I’ve had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find “the perfect housemate.” I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I’ve realised that life is much better when it’s shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It’s just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I’m no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn’t make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I’d need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I’d prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs’ possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it’s inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you’ll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irritate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can’t handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you’d like to share lyrics, I’d be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you’d like to avoid, by all means let me know and I’ll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it’s filthy teeth. (Believe me, I’ve had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you’d like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I’ve tried this with housemates who’ve promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That’s the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name

2. Occupation

3. Age

4. Allergies

5. Favourite author

« Reply #74 on: December 22, 2008, 08:52:22 AM »

WEB EXCLUSIVE -- Local teens claim pranks on county's Speed Cams
By Joe Slaninka
Special to the Sentinel

As a prank, students from local high schools have been taking advantage of the county's Speed Camera Program in order to exact revenge on people who they believe have wronged them in the past, including other students and even teachers.

Students from Richard Montgomery High School dubbed the prank the Speed Camera "Pimping" game, according to a parent of a student enrolled at one of the high schools.
Originating from Wootton High School, the parent said, students duplicate the license plates by printing plate numbers on glossy photo paper, using fonts from certain websites that "mimic" those on Maryland license plates. They tape the duplicate plate over the existing plate on the back of their car and purposefully speed through a speed camera, the parent said. The victim then receives a citation in the mail days later.

Students are even obtaining vehicles from their friends that are similar or identical to the make and model of the car owned by the targeted victim, according to the parent.
"This game is very disturbing," the parent said. "Especially since unsuspecting parents will also be victimized through receipt of unwarranted photo speed tickets.

The parent said that "our civil rights are exploited," and the entire premise behind the Speed Camera Program is called into question as a result of the growing this fad among students.
The Speed Camera Program was implemented in March of this year and used for the purpose of reducing traffic and pedestrian collisions in the county. Cameras are located in residential areas and school zones where the posted speed limit is 35 miles per hour or lower. A $40 citation is mailed to the owner of the car for violating the speed limit in these areas.
The Montgomery County Police said they have not seen or heard of this prank occurring but said they will keep an eye out for people committing the crime.

"I hope the public at large will complain loudly enough that local Montgomery County government officials will change their policy of using these cameras for monetary gain," the parent said. "The practice of sending speeding tickets to faceless recipients without any type of verification is unwarranted and an exploitation of our rights."

Edward Owusu, Assistant Principal at Wootton High School, said that he heard of local students pulling the prank when the school received a call from a parent informing them of its occurrence. "I have not heard of this happening among students at Wootton," Osuwu said. "It is unfortunate that kids have a lot of time on their hands that they can think of doing such a thing."

Montgomery County Council President Phil Andrews said that the issue is troubling in several respects. "I am concerned that someone could get hurt, first of all, because they are speeding in areas where they know speeding is a problem," he said.

Andrews also said that this could hurt the integrity of the Speed Camera Program. "It will cause potential problems for the Speed Camera Program in terms of the confidence in it," he said.
He said he is glad someone caught it before it becomes more widespread and he said he hopes that the word get out to the people participating in this that there will be consequences.
Power User
Posts: 9471

« Reply #75 on: December 22, 2008, 06:10:48 PM »

This could have gone under media matters or topics on the new administration, but I'll put it under humor because it is fiction/prediction.

Following link is a good spoof of the NY Times from NEXT July 4 reporting on the Obama world that we live in.

A few of the stories:

Iraq War Ends
      World »
          o Last to Die in Battle Remembered, American and Iraqi
          o United Nations Unanimously Passes Weapons Ban
          o Court Indicts Bush on High Treason Charge
      U.S. »
          o Education Department Plans National Tax Base for Schools
          o Crumbling Infrastructure Brings Opportunities
          o National Health Insurance Act Passes
      Business »
          o Maximum Wage Law Passes Congress
          o Harvard Will Shut Business School Doors
          o Senate Gets Tough On “Limited Liability” to Rein in, Humanize Corporations
          o Biofuels Ban Act Signed Into Law, Seeks to Ease Food Shortage
      Opinion »
          o Fog of Peace
          o Public Health Opportunities in Cuba
      Health »
          o National Health Insurance Act Passes
          o Pharmaceutical Law Revised to End Corruption
      Education »
          o Education Department Plans National Tax Base for Schools
          o All Public Universities To Be Free
« Reply #76 on: December 24, 2008, 09:24:14 PM »

Tel Aviv, Israel: UFO cult's 'World Orgasm Day' orgy cancelled due to threats   

Israel: UFO cult's 'World Orgasm Day' orgy cancelled due to threats.

The Israeli branch of the UFO centred movement known as the Raelians was planning something special to commemorate ‘World Orgasm Day’, a huge orgy in downtown Tel Aviv, the largest city in Israel. The event was going to attract at least 250 participants of all sexual orientations: Straight, bisexual, gay and lesbian and was meant to make a powerful and highly relevant statement in this most troubled part of the world: that it is far better to make love rather than war.  Sadly however the organisers have been forced to cancel this year’s event due to numerous violent threats made towards both the movement and the venue. The threats are believed to come from ultra-orthodox Jews who feel such celebrations violate the sanctity of the Holy Land and go against the morality of Judaism.
‘The purpose of the event was to try and bring world peace through mass orgasm, this by experiencing consensual sex and natural, uninterrupted pleasure. It was important to make love without feeling guilty or shy' commented Kobi Drori, the head of the Raelians in Israel.
Drori also complained about the fact that nowadays the words war violence and murder are considered OK but not the words love and sex. ‘It should be the other way around. Several years ago an Iraqi boy whose limbs were amputated was shown on TV and everybody treated this as if it was okay, but when Janet Jackson exposed her breast during the Superbowl the American nation was appalled’ continued Drori.

A very attractive 22 year old woman who identified herself as 'Yael' was dissapointed that the orgy was called off. 'Raelian belief makes sense, and I was looking forward to participate in this event in an uninhibited way, this is what we were created for, and the fanatics will not hold us back forever.'
The Raelians are known for their liberal attitudes towards sexuality. They believe that mankind was created by aliens who arrived here thousands of years ago in UFOs. Despite their opposition to Biblical attitudes towards sex they see the Bible as a book that bears witness to ancient alien visitors, and place particular emphasis on the Book of Ezekiel, which they see as an ancient account of a UFO visitation.
« Reply #77 on: December 27, 2008, 10:41:58 AM »

"What are you doing here?": man asks wife at brothel
Wed Jan 9, 2008 10:23am EST  Email | Print | Share | Reprints | Single Page [-] Text
WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees.

Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.

The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.
« Reply #78 on: January 07, 2009, 01:41:37 PM »

It's Getting Hard for the Porn Industry
Radley Balko | January 7, 2009, 11:32am
TMZ reports that porn moguls Joe Francis and Larry Flynt are asking the government for a $5 billion bailout, citing a 22 percent drop in DVD sales last year.

I'd guess that has more to do with the abundance of free porn on the Internet than the credit crunch.

In any case, I will now take this opportunity to open the comments section to bad puns incorporating pornography and Congressional bailouts.
« Reply #79 on: January 09, 2009, 02:19:44 PM »

So a company is selling this toy through Amazon:

The Amazon reviews are a hoot, including:

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
 Changed My Life, August 10, 2008
By    prd "noname" (Poulsbo, WA) - See all my reviews
Durability: Fun: Educational:
I will never need to buy toothpaste again thanks to Playmobil. Not realizing this was a toy I purchased it to prepare for my interview as a TSA agent. Needless to say I aced it and have been happily viewing xrays of carry-on luggage and shoes ever since. As noted above, the free toothpaste is just icing on the cake - never expected a free lifetime supply, but who's complaining. This is a "must-have" for any aspiring TSA agent out there.
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34 of 37 people found the following review helpful:
 Great at teaching the youngsters how to behave in a police state, March 15, 2008
By    Gwen P. (Douglassville, PA, USA) - See all my reviews
What better way to teach the next generation how to behave in a police state then with a toy such as this? I'm really hoping that they come out with a toy in which the kids can play "interregator". Think of all the fun the little folks can have waterboarding those who "hate our freedom".
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21 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
 Ministry of Truth scores a big one!, March 14, 2008
By    Delia (Eugene, OR) - See all my reviews
Wow! So much better than playing school or house for brainwashing---I mean, acclimatizing today's tots to the realities of the Global War on Terror. I especially appreciated the enclosed signed photo of Michael Chertoff and his letter explaining how necessary it is to start educating today's youth early with toys like these, especially as their elders just don't seem to be taking the whole thing seriously, what with posting snarky reviews on Amazon and all, and it's going to take a while to get KBR's re-education camps in Nevada up and running properly. I know my little four year-old grandson was really impressed with this set. He's now so scared it's undone a whole year of potty training and he's now wetting his pants about five times a day. He's back to playing with his old set of wooden blocks Melissa and Doug 100 Piece Wood Blocks Set and crying "Make the bad man stop, Mommy!" Last week he saw Mr. Chertoff talking about terrorists on his parents' fancy new plasma TV and he threw first the Playmobil set, which didn't do much damage, and then the wooden blocks, at the TV, which cracked the screen. His dad, who worked at Countrywide Finance, was just laid off, so it looks like they won't be getting a replacement plasma TV. I'm taking the broken TV, the Playmobil set, and the photo of Michael Chertoff to the toxic waste dump tomorrow. I have an old black and white set and pair of rabbit ears in my attic which I will loan them. Perhaps it's better this way.
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22 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
 Holding out for Guantanemo Playset, March 14, 2008
By    Ann, a reader "Ann, a fan." (NY) - See all my reviews
This is just a sop to the authoritarians among us. I am holding out for the release of the Guantanemo Playset. Hopefully this will come with an extrordinary rendition option.
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A hole slew of comment here:
Power User
Posts: 7833

« Reply #80 on: January 10, 2009, 09:36:06 AM »

Patient walks into doctors office and complains of constipation.  "I can't go to the bathroom and my stools are hard as rocks."  "Doctor what do you think?"
Doctor:   "tough shit".
« Reply #81 on: January 13, 2009, 06:06:44 PM »

Be the first member of your collective to own one!

Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #82 on: January 13, 2009, 08:07:20 PM »

URL please?
« Reply #83 on: January 13, 2009, 08:48:44 PM »

Double click on the image and it will open in You Tube with the URL.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #84 on: January 13, 2009, 11:35:57 PM »

Duh.  embarassed
« Reply #85 on: January 14, 2009, 04:56:25 PM »

Annual NY subway no pants ride:

« Reply #86 on: January 21, 2009, 08:34:31 PM »

Baby Accidentally Dials 911, Leads To Arrest Of Father

January 21, 2009 1:25 p.m. EST

AHN Staff
White Rock, British Columbia (AHN) - A 29-year old Canadian man was arrested by police after his 11-month old son accidentally pressed 911 on a mobile phone the man gave his baby to play with.

After the 911 operator failed to talk to the caller, the operator traced the call to White Rock and contacted the Royal Canadian Mounted Police about the incident. The Mounties went to the house.

The door was opened by the man, who was surprised by the officers. Upon the suggestion of the Mounties they checked how the call was made and discovered the baby playing with his father's cellphone, according to White Rock RCMP Const. Janelle Canning.

The officers then made a routine inspection of the house and were surprised to discover 500 marijuana plants in the vicinity. The police officers immediately arrested the father, who will be charged with production of a controlled substance and mischief.

The Minister of Children and Family Development took custody of the baby, but eventually turned him over to his mother who had a different residence and was unaware of her ex-husband's unusual garden varieties.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #87 on: January 21, 2009, 09:04:29 PM »

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle
By Ian Sparks

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog.
The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making 'vicious, unprovoked attacks', Chirac's wife Bernadette said.   Former French President Jacques Chirac pictured in his car with his pet, Sumo, the white Maltese Poodle (file photo). The president has been bitten by his dog.  The former president, who ruled France for 12 years until 2007, was taken to hospital in Paris where he was treated as an outpatient and sent home, VSD magazine reported.

Mrs Chirac said: 'The dog went for him for no apparent reason.  We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression.  My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks.'

The former French First Lady did not reveal where on his body Chirac was bitten.

The pet, named after the Japanese form of wrestling, was a gift to the Chiracs from their grandson Martin.
Recent polls have shown that since leaving office Chirac is now regarded as one of the most popular politicians in France, liked by 70 per cent of people.  In the last days of his presidency, he was much less popular, liked by just 50 per cent of the population.
« Reply #88 on: January 22, 2009, 12:58:25 PM »

Okay, so I have waded through Homer and have a pretty warped sense of humor, but this had me cackling pretty good. Perhaps best viewed in the original as it has a lot of poetic formatting that doesn't paste very well:

The Idiossey
The Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles
Revised and Updated

(with Apologies to Homer)

Book the First: A question for the Muse

Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine of Potomac,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero's reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn's protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don't mind,
We don't have all day.

Said the Muse:

    I will tell the story of Obamacles through my scribe Iowahawk.
    But this poem is copyrighted, so reproduce at your peril.

Book the Second: Obamacles Meets the Oracle of Doritos

From the land of Kenya beyond Nile, came Obamacles the Elder
To the grad school at Oahu, where Ann of Kansas bore him a son.
It would prove to be a hassle, thus he left his baby's mama,
who then won favor with Soertoro, who brought them to his far-off island nest.
Young Obamacles was growing, and they shipped him back to Gramma,
And the prep school on Oahu. There he trained and studied boldly,
Drinking beer and smoking weed: Maui Wowie, paca lolo, sensimilla,
blunts and chiva, Thai and chronic, just enough to hone his mellow,
in the back of Kyle's TransAm, a line or two of coke on weekends.

In his mellow young Obamacles beheld a vision in the salty snacks at Safeway;
There the Oracle of Doritos bade him:

    "Travel the seas to the East, fair Obamacles, for this is where your fortune lies.
    But beware, that way bodes peril if thou are not pure of image and smooth of delivery.
    Seek first the masters of Occidental College, who will train you in the philosophers of Po-Mo."

Replied young Obamacles,

    "Accidental college heh heh heh heh Accidental moxidental taxidental heh heh,"

And Kyle is like,

    "Dude you're totally talking to the Doritos. That is totally bonus."

Book the Third: Obamacles dazzles the masters at the Agora

After Obamacles had completed the perilous sea voyage to LAX and retrieved his bag from the carousel,
He entered the agora of Occidental, where wily Obamacles dazzled the masters with recitations:
Fanon, Menchu, Zinn and Chomsky, Saul Alinsky, Eldridge Cleaver, Kurtis Blow.
After two years his masters said,

    "fair Obamacles, we can teach you no more, for your bullshit has surpassed even ours.
    Hie thee now to the Isle of Manhattus, where in the agora at Columbius
    you may study a bullshit so deep and complex and angry it is beyond our philosophies."

Yet bold Obamacles was equal to the challenge. "Give us your thesis," said the masters at Columbius,
and Obamacles conjured a mighty paper on Soviet disarmament, double-spaced and expertly margined.
Its beauty was such that the masters wept, and laid a baccalaureate wreath upon him;
But the masters ordered the beautiful thesis destroyed that so no mortal would again read it.

Then one day at the Duane Reade on West 123rd, the Oracle of Doritos appeared to him again:

    "You have passed your first test, brave Obamacles, but the peril is yet beginning.
    For now you must travel west to Chicago, the dreaded Isle of Monsters;
    And become yourself a community organizer."

To which Obamacles replied, "I really should cut down on the ganja."

Book the Fourth: Obamacles meets the Jeremiad of Chicago

When Obamacles reached the shores of Chicago, he saw no monsters;
Yet its bone-strewn sands announced a land of many unseen dangers.
And though he be clever, Obamacles did not understand his task,
set before him by the Oracle; perhaps it was a riddle?
"Community organizer?" he wondered, "What the fuck is that?"
And yet he pushed from house to house, offering to organize the people,
But lo, the Southside people shunned him, slamming doors and mocking sad Obamacles.

"O people of Chicago, why do you shun me so?" he lamented.
"I have a bachelor's degree and I am here to organize you."
And then Obamacles heard from behind a voice of such fury and anger
that he was frozen in fear for the very first time.
It was the Jeremiad, the fire-breathing Monster of the Pulpit, who roared:

    "You stupid ass foo, it because you white!"

Now, it was known to Obamacles that the Jeremiad had forbade white men from the Southside.
What Obamacles did not know is that the Jeremiad also decided who was a white man.
Although his own hue was darker still than the Jeremiad, he was too clever to argue with the Monster;
Instead he said:

    "You are right, fearsome Jeremiad; I am sadly white. And only your magic, my lord,
    can relieve me of my accursed paleness. Cure me, that I may join with the sun people."

The Jeremiad was astonished by the boldness of Obamacles and his clever flattery. He said:

    "You have much bravery for a white man, Obamacles. But to become an authentic brother,
    you must prove your worthiness in the torments of the pews."

Hour after hour, Sunday after Sunday, year after year, Obamacles stood before Jeremiad
And the other monsters of the pulpit, Phlegeron and Mekus, withstanding their bellows of fire,
Never blinking or flinching, and seldom falling asleep.
the Jeremiad was pleased and and absolved Obamacles of his whiteness,
and allowing him to finally organize the community.
Which turned out to be a system for getting money for the Jeremiad.

One day at the Co-op in Hyde Park the Oracle appeared again to Obamacles from an end-aisle display:

    "You have done well, young wayfarer, but further torments lurk in thy destiny.
    Prepare at Kaplan for thy LSATs, for the abyss of uselessness at Harvard Law awaits.
    And then must you return to Chicago to conquer the legion of monsters."

Book the Fifth: Obamacles and Victimia

Having withstood the scorching blasts of the monster Jeremiad at Chicago,
Harvard Law proved no challenge for our hero; he was named beloved of the faculty,
For at the Isle of Harvard they eat that "community organizer" shit right up.
He returned to the Isle of Chicago with his magic Harvard talisman,
Small of heft but able to open any door.

Here he met Victimia, a long and lanky beauty, whose siren songs of woe bewitched;
They were wed in the screaming gardens of Jeremiad.
"O Victimia," he sang, "if I could but bottle thy sob stories, the world would be ours."
"Yes, Obamacles beloved," replied she, "but first let me help you conquer Chicago."

The monsters of Chicago were helpless against the duet's laments and dirges;
Like a moth to a flame they proved irresistible, and the strange mutant beasts
of this Isle of the Damned soon were transfixed by their enchantments:

Ayres, the decrepit conjurer of fireballs;
his wife Doron, worshipper of murderers;
Rezko, Philistine Lord of the Pits of Slumos;
Giannoulis, Bagman of the Mafios;
Blago, Governor of the Underworld of Illinus,
And all of the monsters of the Pulpit from Jeremiad to Pherekon.

Obamacles had conquered all of the Chicagomon, even Daleos the little retard king,
Without once unsheathing his sword; such was his charm.
The monsters realized Obamacles was the perfect front man for federal funding scams,
And thus showered our hero with tributes and contributions,
Elevating him to Vicelord of the Chicagomon.

Thus exalted did Obamacles train his gaze on the mounts of Tribune and Suntimus,
and WGN and WLS and NBC 5, whose anchors splooged in simultaneous ecstasy
At his gleaming incisors and crossover appeal. Together they swore
their undying liege and to crush all obstacles in his path.
By acclamation he was sent as Chicago's emissary to Senatus.

Book the Sixth: The Rage of Hildusa

In Senatus, Obamacles laid beside the reflecting pool while a coterie of Media fed him grapes.
Again the Oracle appeared to him, this time in the form of a taco salad; it said,

    "You have done well, hale Obamacles, but your torments are not yet complete.
    The toughest test of all awaits, and may the gods have mercy on your soul."

"Do your worst, Doritos," he laughed, "for I am Obamacles,
Lord of Illinus, who single handedly conquered the LSATs
and disarmed the Chicagomon. What task would you possibly fear me with?"

    "You are to led the Demos back to the White Temple, by vanquishing Hildusa."

At the sound of Hildusa's name even brave Obamacles was driven to wet his toga,
For Hildusa, cuckolder of Bubba, was the mightiest of all the gorgons.
From her head grew a writhing nest of asps, and the mere sight of her cankles
Would turn a man to stone. Some said she came from Lesbos
But others said her only pleasure was torment and sucking the marrow from her victim's bones.
Around her at all times was a phalanx guard of mincing eunuchs,
led by Ickis, Wolfsonis, Blumenthalis and Pennis. At her side, an angry force
of menopausal PUMAs ready to strike on her command -- for the children.

But Obamacles was only momentarily dissuaded from his task,
for he knew the people of Demos longed to return to the White Temple,
where they had been banished by the idiot emperor Chimpos II.
Although the Demos knew that Chimpos was the stupidest person in the world,
and they were the smartest, they had somehow been unable to defeat him.
Obamacles seized his opportunity. On the Isle of Demos, and said:

    "Citizens of Demos, I am Obamacles of Illinus. I will lead you
    from the wilderness back to the White Temple."

Dispite his gleaming smile the agora laughed at the stranger's folly.
"Fool, our leader is Hildusa," they mocked. "What chance stands a handsome
newcomer like you against the mightiest of the gorgons?"

    "For one, I will conjure our Spartans back from Babylonia," said Obamacles.
    "Hilldusa voted with Chimpos. I say it is time to begin the war to end this war."

The words of Obamacles created a murmur in the agora, for on Demos the people
wished the Spartans home from war, to face trial for war crimes or be caged as madmen
Like in the many tragedies at the Demos Odeon Octoplex.

"We are with you, Obamacles," came the shout of a man, who was turned to marble
and struck by lightning before his words could be completed. Obamacles had stoked
the terrible rath of the gorgon Hildusa, and the battle was joined.

Book the Seventh: The Battle for Demos

All the torments suffered by Obamacles had steeled him for this epic test.
The cliffs of Demos resounded with the approaching screeches of Hildusa
And her army of soul-eating Morpheons, spinning and faxing and conjuring position papers.
But Obamacles was unmoved, and with his right hand summoned
the Subterranean Creepos of the Nutroots to do his bidding,
Kos and Ariana and Demos Underground.
Hildusa was enraged for she thought them allies, and shot them the stink-eye.
"Destroy Obamacles!" she bellowed at her Eunuchs,
But they were retards and got busted for DUI on the chariot ride over.
Then Obamacles shot the arrow of Iowa across abyss of Dukakis,
striking Hildusa true in her cankles, no more to freeze men to stone,
And all of Demos roared approval.

    "Citizens of Demos," screamed the hobbled gorgon, "fair Obamacles is not what he appears!
    Look, behind him! A phalanx of Chicagomon, the demons from the pits of Illinus!"

When the Demos people saw the Chicagomon they shrugged,
but Obamacles was taking no chances for the general battle;
He had no more further use for the Chicagomon and thus he summoned
Underbus, the destroyer of memes. One by one he disposed them,
The Jeremiad and Phlegeron and Ayres, all sacrificed to Underbus.
When Hildusa saw this her eyes boiled with rage,
and she summoned her Amazon Pumas
But they were too fat and old and employed
to battle the snarky college assholes in official Obamacles tunics.

At last Hildusa summoned Bubba, who in principle was her husband.
Though the mightiest god of Demos, he trembled before her gaze;
For once she saved his sacred bacon, but yet had him castrated and banished.
"Destroy! Destroy! Destoy!" she bellowed, handing Bubba sharpened talking points,
But Obamacles would not yield, and from beneath his tunic
withdrew his razor-sharpened race card, filleting Bubba into tiny pieces.

The crowd at Demos was breathless, hardly believing their eyes.
And then winged Media lifted Obamacles across the abyss to where Hildusa
lay supine and helpless, and, grabbing her by the asps,
took one more mighty swing with his race card,
and held her severed head before the cheering crowd.

All of Demos sang in praise, even the severed head of Hildusa
as he paraded it around the stage at Invescos
and banked it off the glass for three points.
But yet, as he exited the stage amid the cries of the rapture,
The Doritos called once more from the Table of Catering:

    "Beware, fair Hero, for one last task awaits thee."

Book the Eighth: The Contest of November

"Who dares challenge me now?" asked Obamacles. "For I am Obacles,
vanquisher of Hildusa, of whom all of Demos sing;
Make him the mightiest, so that I might find him worthy."

"Your foe will be the grizzled warrior Crustius," said the Doritos,
As Obamacles laughed in disbelief; for though brave Crustius
had once proved great valor in the tragic war of Namos,
He had grown old and addled sailing the Sea of Maverikus.
In years a full score he sailed, seeking the fabled Microphone of Media,
Only to crash on its shoals, lured to doom by the flattery of the Sirens.

"Be not hasty in thy hubris, Obamacles," warned the Doritos.
"Although he is old and stranded and beset by mutineers,
grizzled Crustius is far craftier than in your imaginings."

True to the prophesy of the Doritos, wily Crustius had a secret trick up his toga.
From his rock-strewn shipwreck he summoned Palina, huntress of Wasilla,
Whose fertile loins had many odd-named children bore,
Bristol and Trig, Dakota and Algebra, Calculus and Physed,
And yet she retained the visage and figure of a goddess.

Palina emerged from the sea, springing fully formed from a clamshell,
Brandishing the spear that had slain a thousand antlered beasts.
Once mutinous, the Crustonauts were instantly heartened,
For now they and sensed a chance at victory.

Although his pollsters warned of danger, Obamacles was stalwart
For he knew just how he got here. "Attack," he beckoned very calmly,
And from across the land of Soros, a thousand score of demons answered;
HuffPo nutjobs, New York Kronos, the shrieking hags of talk TV,
Couric, Fey, Oprah, Behar, the hermaphrodites of NBC.

Palina was undaunted by the minions and thus she battled gamely on.
But at last she was attacked by Crustius himself;
For so addled and contrary was the wizened sailor
That he had forgotten which side he was on.
Vanquished Palina returned to Wasilla to fight another day,
While Crustius sails again, forever seeking the elusive Sirens of Media.

Book the Ninth: Obamacles Ascends to Olympus

Now behold him, brave Obamacles,
Who strides triumphant down Pennsylvania Avenue,
With Victimia at his side in a gown of golden brocade,
Hewn from the finest hotel draperies.
Behold his ascent to the marble dais to swear his oath,
Which Justice Roberts flubs; so dazzled is he
by our hero's pure magnificence.

And behold the crowd whose number has grown to a million,
Mocking limping Chimpos as he flees to Brazos exile,
Tossing their sandals at his edifice, only to stop to hail the conquering hero.

"All hail Obamacles!" they cry, "Master of Bullshit,
Vicelord of the Chicagomon, Slayer of Hildusa,
Vanquisher of Palina. You are our new and shiny hope,
a true god amongst mortals."

And yet once more the Oracle appears to Obamacles,
At the Inauguration Bacchanal, brought to you by Doritos.

"What now?" said Obamacles, irked at Oracle's salty impertinence
and the interruption of his famous pop 'n' lock. "For I have conquered
all, and there is no challenger left in all the Beltway."

The Oracle spoke out from the depths of the guacamole:

    "I bid thee welcome to the White House
    where your true test now begins:

    Markets deaf to happy buzzwords
    Blind to Shepard Fairey's art,
    Heeding laws of economics,
    Not the wishful laws of man;

    A world of of evil filled with monsters,
    who are unmoved by flowery talk,
    Invulnerable to race cards
   or leftwing blogger insults,
    Who Hope for Change in megatons.

    Do not despair! For look before you,
    The noble army who brought you here:
    Thespians and hiphop moguls,
    Graphic artists, hipster twats,
    The academic scribes of Athens,
    basic cable sycophants.

    These are the arrows in your quiver,
    for the coming epic tests;
    Use them well, but first remember:
    They're waiting on those magic tricks.

    Good luck with that, well-spoken hero, 
    I think I'll grab a snack and watch."

Obamacles look out onto his drooling throngs, and wept;
for then he realized then may be things even gods can't do.

Is this man hewn from Olympus,
Sent by Zeus to save our souls?
Or a plastic dashboard Jesus
In a car he can't control?

Will this Adonis save the planet?
Or is he fleecing golden sheep?
Ask another Muse tomorrow,
Hell if I know, it's all Greek to me.

Burma Shave
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #89 on: January 22, 2009, 02:27:39 PM »

 cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy cheesy
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #90 on: January 23, 2009, 11:59:26 PM »

Captain Obvious says , , ,
« Reply #91 on: January 25, 2009, 11:29:57 AM »

Woman bites driver over non-hybrid bus


Updated Friday, January 23rd 2009, 3:07 PM

Going green was a cause she could really sink her teeth into.

The frantic passenger who bit a veteran driver's arm was upset that his bus wasn't a hybrid, he said Thursday.

"She came on the bus, and she said she waited more than an hour for a hybrid," said MTA driver Peter Williams, 42. "I said, 'I'm not in control of what bus is assigned to me.'"

Williams, a dad of two who is in the Navy Reserves, plans to take a little time off after Wednesday's bizarre attack on an uptown M104 bus.

The woman, Shelia Bolar, 49, started hollering at Williams soon after she boarded the Broadway bus on the upper West Side.

When her rant was done, she she grabbed his arm.

"Miss, don't touch me while I'm operating the bus," Williams warned Bolar.

At W. 79th St., Williams let passengers off and gestured to a dispatcher he called for help.

"That's when she bit me. ... I couldn't believe it."

Bolar chomped through a jacket, a sweater and a thick shirt, causing a bruise and swelling but not breaking skin.

"She bit through all that," said Williams, still shocked.

And then she fled - but cops nabbed her blocks away. Bolar, who faces assault charges was held without bail, pending a psychiatric exam.

Williams was released from St. Luke's Hospital and plans to return to work soon. "I hope it doesn't happen again," he said.
« Reply #92 on: January 26, 2009, 11:13:06 AM »

A FIESTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #93 on: January 26, 2009, 12:26:03 PM »

 shocked shocked shocked

One suspects copious amounts of vodka were involved here , , ,
« Reply #94 on: January 26, 2009, 08:11:02 PM »

I think carbon credits are supposed to work in the same way.

Garage Owner Jailed After Taking Blame for 120 Speeding Tickets in Exchange for Cash
By Charlotte CardinghamPublished on 26 Jan 2009  RSS Feed

It's believed that he earned upwards of £24,000 through his scam.

Abdul Musa, a garage owner from Blackburn, Lancashire, today begins a 16 month stretch in jail after police discovered he was getting paid to take the blame for other people’s speeding offences.

According to reports he charged customers £200 a time for his ‘services’, admitting to authorities that he had been driving a car when it got caught on camera.  With his service proving particularly popular with local taxi drivers it is believed that he made upwards of £24,000.

It is though that he falsely accepted responsibility for at least 120 speeding tickets over a 4 year period. However, Musa was only charged on 13 counts of perverting the course of justice after police found evidence of just five £60 fixed penalty notices, seven notices of intended prosecutions and one notice of court proceedings when they searched his home.

Musa, who is currently without a valid driving licence, managed to evade suspicion for such a long time by repeatedly changing the spelling of his name and flouting regulations that mean authorities only have 6 months to resolve speeding offences.

Eventually, however, the unusually large number of penalty notices being sent to his home was noticed and police began an investigation.

Ironically, while 11 of Musa’s customers were also charged with perverting the course of justice and ordered to do community service, few would have been subject to such a penalty had they accepted the speeding fine themselves. In fact, the vast majority of those who paid Musa to accept guilt on their behalf were driving at less than 10 mph over the limit when they were caught – an infringement that would have simply carried three points on their licence and a £60 fine.

"The remarkable thing about this case is that the drivers went to great lengths to avoid points on a driving licence even though many had no points or any previous dealing with the criminal justice system." said Judge Pamela Badley on sentencing.

"It goes to show that when temptation is put before someone to break the rules, they can go ahead without thinking of the consequences."
Power User
Posts: 7833

« Reply #95 on: January 30, 2009, 09:44:55 AM »

Elderly patient Mabel walks in and I notice her birthday is 12/12.  So I said, hey your birthday is the same as Abraham Lincoln's.

She says yes.

They call me "honest Mabe".

True story.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #96 on: February 03, 2009, 11:12:07 AM »

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart, real bad.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Power User
Posts: 7833

« Reply #97 on: February 03, 2009, 01:39:47 PM »

I'm surprised the people on the bus weren't clapping and foot tapping to the beat.  grin
« Reply #98 on: February 04, 2009, 08:16:56 PM »

Wow, much of the stuff coming out of the UK inspires some serious head shaking. Work out the math compared to the commercial cost listed at the end of the article.

Police spend £20,000 on cardboard officers
Police forces have spent more than £20,000 on cardboard cut-outs of uniformed officers designed to confuse criminals.
By David Barrett, Home Affairs Correspondent
Last Updated: 4:25PM GMT 03 Feb 2009

Cardboard cut-out of a policeman used to help deter shoplifters Photo: PA
It was billed as the latest police tactic to combat crime and now the idea has taken off nationwide.
Police figures show that forces across the country have spent more than £20,000 on the flat-pack PCs.
West Midlands police said it had ordered 80 cardboard constables at a cost of just over £10,000. In Derbyshire, £6,650 was spent over the past two years on a "substantial number" of cut-outs.
"The theory is that it creates the impression at first glance of a capable guardian being on site, which hopefully also reduces the perception of fear of crime," said a Derbyshire police spokesman.
A survey using the Freedom of Information Act revealed that 13 forces in England and Wales have used cardboard officers.
Essex police said it spent £760 on eight cut-outs. They have been deployed in petrol stations, to deter drivers from speeding away without paying for their fuel, and also in shops to discourage shoplifting.
The force would not reveal precisely where the cut-outs have been placed because "to release locations is likely to jeopardise the success of the trials".
Cleveland police spent £1,760 on cardboard officers for use in shops, petrol stations and retail parks in Hartlepool, Redcar and Stockton-on-Tees.
The other forces which have used cut-outs are North Wales, South Wales, Greater Manchester, Durham, Humberside, Lancashire, Avon and Somerset, Norfolk and Surrey.
Rank-and-file officers, however, questioned the wisdom of spending police funds on fake officers.
Simon Reed, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, said: "While I appreciate that money may be tight for policing, this does seems a drastic solution to avoid paying any salary and pension costs.
"Ultimately it will be for local residents to decide if cardboard police officers work for their community and are good use of their taxes."
Several forces admitted to having suffered the theft of cut-outs. Three went missing from filling stations in Derbyshire in the past two years, while two were stolen in Cleveland.
Humberside reported the theft of one cardboard officer, which disappeared from a Tesco supermarket in Grimsby last November.
A spokesman for West Midlands police, which had the highest spending on cut-outs, said that some of the money would be reclaimed from shops which benefited from the scheme, but could not say how much had been recouped so far.
South Wales police created life-size replicas of two of its serving officers, community support officer Helen Ely and neighbourhood constable Dale Weaver.
Surrey produced cardboard replicas of an entire neighbourhood policing team to reassure residents and increase awareness of crime-prevention measures.
Commercially-produced promotional cut-outs can cost from £12 and £30 each.
Power User
Posts: 42483

« Reply #99 on: February 05, 2009, 06:21:09 PM »


 Stimulus package explained............

       "Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
A format:

       "Q. What is an Economic
 Stimulus Payment?
       "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

       "Q. Where will the government get this money?
       "A. From taxpayers.

       "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
       "A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are
expected to repay the Chinese.

       "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
       "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

       "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
       "A. Shut up."

       Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

       If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
       If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al
       If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
       If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
Chile and Guatemala.
       If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
       If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.
       If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
       If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria. And none of
it will help the American economy.

       We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US.



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