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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #100 on: February 03, 2009, 11:12:07 AM »

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart, real bad.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

 
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ccp
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« Reply #101 on: February 03, 2009, 01:39:47 PM »

I'm surprised the people on the bus weren't clapping and foot tapping to the beat.  grin
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #102 on: February 04, 2009, 08:16:56 PM »

Wow, much of the stuff coming out of the UK inspires some serious head shaking. Work out the math compared to the commercial cost listed at the end of the article.

Police spend £20,000 on cardboard officers
Police forces have spent more than £20,000 on cardboard cut-outs of uniformed officers designed to confuse criminals.
 
By David Barrett, Home Affairs Correspondent
Last Updated: 4:25PM GMT 03 Feb 2009

Cardboard cut-out of a policeman used to help deter shoplifters Photo: PA
It was billed as the latest police tactic to combat crime and now the idea has taken off nationwide.
Police figures show that forces across the country have spent more than £20,000 on the flat-pack PCs.
West Midlands police said it had ordered 80 cardboard constables at a cost of just over £10,000. In Derbyshire, £6,650 was spent over the past two years on a "substantial number" of cut-outs.
"The theory is that it creates the impression at first glance of a capable guardian being on site, which hopefully also reduces the perception of fear of crime," said a Derbyshire police spokesman.
A survey using the Freedom of Information Act revealed that 13 forces in England and Wales have used cardboard officers.
Essex police said it spent £760 on eight cut-outs. They have been deployed in petrol stations, to deter drivers from speeding away without paying for their fuel, and also in shops to discourage shoplifting.
The force would not reveal precisely where the cut-outs have been placed because "to release locations is likely to jeopardise the success of the trials".
Cleveland police spent £1,760 on cardboard officers for use in shops, petrol stations and retail parks in Hartlepool, Redcar and Stockton-on-Tees.
The other forces which have used cut-outs are North Wales, South Wales, Greater Manchester, Durham, Humberside, Lancashire, Avon and Somerset, Norfolk and Surrey.
Rank-and-file officers, however, questioned the wisdom of spending police funds on fake officers.
Simon Reed, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, said: "While I appreciate that money may be tight for policing, this does seems a drastic solution to avoid paying any salary and pension costs.
"Ultimately it will be for local residents to decide if cardboard police officers work for their community and are good use of their taxes."
Several forces admitted to having suffered the theft of cut-outs. Three went missing from filling stations in Derbyshire in the past two years, while two were stolen in Cleveland.
Humberside reported the theft of one cardboard officer, which disappeared from a Tesco supermarket in Grimsby last November.
A spokesman for West Midlands police, which had the highest spending on cut-outs, said that some of the money would be reclaimed from shops which benefited from the scheme, but could not say how much had been recouped so far.
South Wales police created life-size replicas of two of its serving officers, community support officer Helen Ely and neighbourhood constable Dale Weaver.
Surrey produced cardboard replicas of an entire neighbourhood policing team to reassure residents and increase awareness of crime-prevention measures.
Commercially-produced promotional cut-outs can cost from £12 and £30 each.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/4410417/Police-spend-20000-on-cardboard-officers.html
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #103 on: February 05, 2009, 06:21:09 PM »

 

 Stimulus package explained............

       "Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
A format:

       "Q. What is an Economic
 Stimulus Payment?
       "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

       "Q. Where will the government get this money?
       "A. From taxpayers.

       "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
       "A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are
expected to repay the Chinese.

       "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
       "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

       "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
       "A. Shut up."


       Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

       If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
       If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al
Queda.
       If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
       If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
Chile and Guatemala.
       If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
       If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.
       If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
       If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria. And none of
it will help the American economy.

       We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US.

 

 

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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #104 on: February 12, 2009, 03:16:23 PM »

Reason has a personal stimulus generator set up here:

http://www.reason.com/stimulus/request.php

. . . wherein you can insert your own personal stimulus needs, such as mine:

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses', $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.
wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Body by Guinness for the Body by Guinness Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 shall be paid directly to Body by Guinness in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Body by Guinness to Foot Rubs or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Body by Guinness will receive free Roller Derby, baby! tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Body by Guinness shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Jerry Nadler is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.


digital-to-analog converter box program

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, and in addition to amounts otherwise provided in any other Act, for costs associated with the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Program, $650,000,000, to be available until September 30, 2009: Provided, That these funds shall be available for coupons and related activities, including but not limited to education, consumer support and outreach, as deemed appropriate and necessary to ensure a timely conversion of analog to digital television.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #105 on: February 14, 2009, 12:21:47 PM »

WARNING:  In VERY bad taste:

http://shortyellowb.blogspot.com/2009/02/sidewalk-interview-goes-bad-real-bad.html
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nonkosherdog
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« Reply #106 on: February 14, 2009, 12:29:01 PM »

Wow, much of the stuff coming out of the UK inspires some serious head shaking. Work out the math compared to the commercial cost listed at the end of the article.

Police spend £20,000 on cardboard officers
Police forces have spent more than £20,000 on cardboard cut-outs of uniformed officers designed to confuse criminals.
 
By David Barrett, Home Affairs Correspondent
Last Updated: 4:25PM GMT 03 Feb 2009

Cardboard cut-out of a policeman used to help deter shoplifters Photo: PA
It was billed as the latest police tactic to combat crime and now the idea has taken off nationwide.
Police figures show that forces across the country have spent more than £20,000 on the flat-pack PCs.
West Midlands police said it had ordered 80 cardboard constables at a cost of just over £10,000. In Derbyshire, £6,650 was spent over the past two years on a "substantial number" of cut-outs.
"The theory is that it creates the impression at first glance of a capable guardian being on site, which hopefully also reduces the perception of fear of crime," said a Derbyshire police spokesman.
A survey using the Freedom of Information Act revealed that 13 forces in England and Wales have used cardboard officers.
Essex police said it spent £760 on eight cut-outs. They have been deployed in petrol stations, to deter drivers from speeding away without paying for their fuel, and also in shops to discourage shoplifting.
The force would not reveal precisely where the cut-outs have been placed because "to release locations is likely to jeopardise the success of the trials".
Cleveland police spent £1,760 on cardboard officers for use in shops, petrol stations and retail parks in Hartlepool, Redcar and Stockton-on-Tees.
The other forces which have used cut-outs are North Wales, South Wales, Greater Manchester, Durham, Humberside, Lancashire, Avon and Somerset, Norfolk and Surrey.
Rank-and-file officers, however, questioned the wisdom of spending police funds on fake officers.
Simon Reed, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, said: "While I appreciate that money may be tight for policing, this does seems a drastic solution to avoid paying any salary and pension costs.
"Ultimately it will be for local residents to decide if cardboard police officers work for their community and are good use of their taxes."
Several forces admitted to having suffered the theft of cut-outs. Three went missing from filling stations in Derbyshire in the past two years, while two were stolen in Cleveland.
Humberside reported the theft of one cardboard officer, which disappeared from a Tesco supermarket in Grimsby last November.
A spokesman for West Midlands police, which had the highest spending on cut-outs, said that some of the money would be reclaimed from shops which benefited from the scheme, but could not say how much had been recouped so far.
South Wales police created life-size replicas of two of its serving officers, community support officer Helen Ely and neighbourhood constable Dale Weaver.
Surrey produced cardboard replicas of an entire neighbourhood policing team to reassure residents and increase awareness of crime-prevention measures.
Commercially-produced promotional cut-outs can cost from £12 and £30 each.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/4410417/Police-spend-20000-on-cardboard-officers.html


LOL they tried that here also



it doesnt work  wink

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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #107 on: February 22, 2009, 08:02:24 PM »

 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
 
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
 
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
 
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt  for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
 
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
 Pitt for a million dollars?'
 
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
 
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks  would buy?'
 
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?' 
 
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
 
==============

The Little Red Hen, 2009 bringing it up to date.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"Who will help me sow my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. She
planted her crop, and the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden
grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck..

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I’d lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I’d lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.


At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?"
asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I’d lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I’m a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.


She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said,
"No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around
the little red hen, shouting obscenities.


Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not
be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the
Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one
cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.


IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

« Last Edit: February 22, 2009, 08:08:20 PM by Crafty_Dog » Logged
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #108 on: February 24, 2009, 06:57:47 PM »

Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on their

faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman.

He died of heart failure while with his mistress.

Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age.

He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.

Nancy Pelosi, Democrat, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #109 on: February 25, 2009, 11:46:29 AM »

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Chad
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« Reply #110 on: February 26, 2009, 08:29:05 AM »

Warning this is NSFW... http://dustinspero.com/blog/2009/2/19/sony-releases-stupid-pos.html

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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #111 on: February 27, 2009, 09:41:00 PM »

Heh heh.

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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #112 on: February 28, 2009, 12:39:14 AM »

MUST HAVE URL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #113 on: February 28, 2009, 08:01:59 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4hrnbhIHDY&eurl
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #114 on: February 28, 2009, 09:19:11 AM »

Thank you!

That was awesome!
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Chad
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« Reply #115 on: February 28, 2009, 12:42:01 PM »

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/around_town/the_scene/Breast-Implants-Set-World-Record-.html  shocked
« Last Edit: February 28, 2009, 04:18:23 PM by Chad » Logged
Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #116 on: March 03, 2009, 11:21:07 AM »

sun-sentinel.com/news/local/treasurecoast/sfl-0303mcnuggets,0,785686.story

South Florida Sun-Sentinel.com

Fort Pierce woman calls 911 when McNuggets run out

Will Greenlee

tcpalm.com

8:46 AM EST, March 3, 2009

FORT PIERCE


Told McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets after paying for a 10-piece, a local woman called 911.

Three times.

"This is an emergency, If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one," Latreasa L. Goodman later told police. "This is an emergency."

The McNugget meltdown happened last week at a McDonald's in the 600 block of North U.S. 1 and ended with Goodman, 27, getting a notice to appear on a misuse of 911 charge, according to a recently released police report.

Goodman told investigators she tried to get a refund for the 10-piece McNuggets, but the cashier told her all sales are final.

"I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," Goodman told police.

The cashier told police she offered Goodman, of the 2400 block of South 25th Street, a larger portion of food for the same price to make up for it, but said Goodman got "irate," the report states.

Goodman reportedly yelled, "I don't want a McDouble and small fry," the cashier told investigators.

Dispatchers for 911 told police Goodman called the emergency number three times and on each occasion was told an officer was en route.

"Goodman maintained the attitude 'this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency,'" the report states.

McNuggets, introduced to the McDonald's national menu in 1983, are sold in more than 100 countries and, unlike the McDouble, are often dunked in barbecue or hot mustard sauce.

Goodman's 10-piece selection has 460 calories and 29 grams of fat.
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #117 on: March 05, 2009, 08:36:42 PM »

Michael Moore spoof included!

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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #118 on: March 06, 2009, 07:35:30 PM »

Dang, I wonder if this is a regular occurrence?

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=291883
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #119 on: March 16, 2009, 10:25:29 AM »


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #120 on: March 17, 2009, 05:44:06 PM »

And I always thought "strangle the goat" was a figure of speech. . . .

Florida lawmakers consider ban on bestiality
Florida lawmakers are pushing legislation that would make having sex with animals a felony.

BY MARC CAPUTO
HERALD/TIMES TALLAHASSEE BUREAU
TALLAHASSEE -- The act of bestiality is a step closer to becoming illegal in Florida now that a Senate agriculture committee voted to slap a third-degree felony charge on anyone who has sex with animals.

Florida is one of only 16 states that still permit bestiality -- a fact that animal-rights activist and Sen. Nan Rich learned to her horror three years ago when a Panhandle man was suspected of accidentally asphyxiating a family goat that he held by the collar during a sex act.

''There's a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals,'' said Rich, a Sunrise Democrat. ``This is long overdue. These are heinous crimes. And people belong in jail.''

But the Mossy Head man suspected of assaulting Meg the goat was never charged, because law enforcement officials could not link him to the scene. The suspect was arrested months later in a separate goat abduction, said Walton County Assistant State Attorney Walter Parker.

Rich's legislation would target only those who derived or helped others derive ''sexual gratification'' from an animal, specifying that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

''People are taking these animals as their husbands? What's husbandry?'' she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Sen. Charlie Dean, an Inverness Republican, explained that husbandry is raising and caring for animals. Bullard didn't get it.

''So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?'' Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman's suburban chimpanzee went mad and was shot.

After the unanimous committee vote, Rich predicted the bill would pass this year. She said bestiality used to be illegal in Florida, but the statute was ruled unconstitutional for being too broad.

Reach Marc Caputo at mcaputo@MiamiHerald.com.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/943463.html
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ccp
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« Reply #121 on: March 19, 2009, 04:52:02 PM »

Not only can the chosen one chew gum and play basketball at the same time but he can among other things fix the world economy, global climate change, the national health care problems, watch college basketball, revamp the world energy supply, fix the middle east, Afganistan, Iraq, reset the Russian American relationship, visit Muslims around the world and what the heck, show up on Jay Leno.  Well I guess he does use a telepromter so Emanuel and crew and tell him how to fool us some more:

LOS ANGELES - President Barack Obama is defending his appearance on Jay Leno’s late-night talk show.

He said his Thursday appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” is not keeping him from pressing matters. Some critics have questioned whether the television stint distracts from his work to fix the economy.

Obama said he can do more than one thing at a time and is working on a host of issues, including climate change and health care reform.

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ccp
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« Reply #122 on: March 19, 2009, 05:55:38 PM »

I don't know where to post this kind of stuff except in the "humor" department.   The guy who is expanding the role of government to unprecedented proportions with debt of the same astronomical levels has this to say.  And of course the crowds love him.  Obviously these people do not think they are the ones paying for all this:

****Facing largely adoring crowds far from Washington, President Barack Obama on Thursday asked Americans to back his far-reaching economic and health policies, but warned them not to expect too much from him or the federal government****
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #123 on: March 20, 2009, 11:43:03 AM »


http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1161/why_women_shouldnt_be_cops/
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #124 on: March 26, 2009, 06:01:44 PM »


Michigan Man Sentenced to 90 Days in Prison for Sex Act With Car Wash Vacuum

Thursday, March 26, 2009

SAGINAW, Mich. — A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison.

Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing.

The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court.

Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.

Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Savage's attorney, Philip Sturtz, didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #125 on: March 27, 2009, 04:00:37 PM »

Murphy At Mass

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #126 on: March 28, 2009, 08:17:04 AM »



To Be 6 Again...

     

  A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
   
' .....to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.   
   
  On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.   Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down.   He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  f ries and a chocolate shake.
   
  Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,   M&M 's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
   
  Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my  dress size, you dumb ass!'
   
  The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
   
  SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
 

 
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« Reply #127 on: March 31, 2009, 07:39:03 PM »

Note the role of the chicken in this process:

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« Reply #128 on: April 06, 2009, 09:55:51 PM »

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started...

=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...
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« Reply #129 on: April 10, 2009, 12:32:13 PM »

Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community

Posted by Jon at 4/9/2009 11:15 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor

After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:

Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.


http://exurbanleague.com/2009/04/09/obama-issues-statement-on-the-pirate-attack.aspx
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« Reply #130 on: April 13, 2009, 08:54:49 PM »

A cartoon out of the 1934 Chicago Tribune has a familiar ring. . . .


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« Reply #131 on: April 15, 2009, 11:35:16 AM »

Easy home test:

http://reason.com/terroristquiz/
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« Reply #132 on: April 15, 2009, 05:15:29 PM »



Letter to my bank

Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds". In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

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« Reply #133 on: April 16, 2009, 12:27:17 AM »

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determines who is
Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

=0 D

Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
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« Reply #134 on: April 21, 2009, 12:08:32 PM »

A collection thereof. My fave:


All of 'em:

http://jalopnik.com/photogallery/InternetsVanityPlates/
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« Reply #135 on: April 22, 2009, 08:59:10 PM »

Oh my goodness, make it stop:


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« Reply #136 on: April 28, 2009, 11:38:13 AM »

Couple found having sex inside dumpster
by KOMO Staff and CTV News

Originally printed at http://www.komonews.com/news/local/43701407.html

Talk about getting down and dirty.

On Friday morning, police on Vancouver Island got a call about suspicious activity in a Victoria suburb. When an officer arrived on the scene, he discovered a man and woman having sex in a dumpster, reports CTV News in British Columbia.

"It's 1:45 a.m. so it's dark and he called out to the people in the dumpster and didn't get any response," Police Sgt. John Price told CTV News. "So he went over there with his flashlight and poked his head in at the bottom of the dumpster."

Inside were two people, naked and intertwined.

Police arrested the 26-year-old man, who was wanted by another police department. The 30-year-old woman was sent home, CTV News reports.

Price says that in his decades of policing he can't remember ever hearing a story like this.


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« Reply #137 on: April 29, 2009, 11:39:24 AM »

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the
bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He
carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier,
and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake
up.



He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of
his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you," demanded
James, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered
"This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter".



James didn't take the news so well. "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I
have so much to live for, I haven't even said goodbye to my family. you've
got to send me back right away!"



St. Peter replied "You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away
James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only
send you back as a dog or a hen." James was devastated, but knowing that
there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back
as a hen.



A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking at corn on the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt
a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over
and said "So you're the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day
here?" "It's not so bad" replies James, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster,
"haven't you ever laid an egg before?"



"Never" replies James.



"Well just relax and let it happen."



And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions
got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him. ever!



The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to
lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife shout "James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting
the bed!"
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« Reply #138 on: April 29, 2009, 07:30:37 PM »

D.C. Ticketing Homeowners for Parking in Their Own Driveways

Radley Balko | April 29, 2009, 7:01pm

Fresh from a proposal to charge residents extra fees for street lights, D.C.’s latest effort to generate revenue is to ticket residents for parking in their own driveways.

No, that isn’t an exaggeration:

Beverly Anderson is mad as hell. She just started to get tickets for parking in her own driveway.

That’s right. The District of Columbia is ticketing people who park their cars in their own driveways.

“This is clearly an attempt by the city to extort money out of property owners,” Anderson tells WTOP.

Anderson has received two of the $20 tickets in the past month. Anderson has owned the Capitol Hill house (and the driveway, so she thought) for more than ten years and has never gotten a ticket. And she’s not alone.

It turns out that D.C. has an odd, obscure law stating that the land between the front of your house and the street, otherwise known as your driveway and front yard, falls under a bizarre classification known as “private property set aside for public use.” Essentially, though owners have to pay for its maintenance and upkeep (they can be fined if they don’t), it’s considered public property. Which apparently means that, technically, you can’t park your car on it. The city recently dusted off the law, and began writing parking tickets if any part of a resident’s car is parked between the front facade of their house and the street, even if it’s parked in the driveway.

When Anderson complained, one D.C. official told her that if she wanted, she could pay the city to lease the land between the front of her house and the street, which would allow her to park her car there legally.

In November 2007, I wrote about how D.C. was phasing out due process rights for people who want to contest parking tickets in person.

http://www.reason.com/blog/show/133186.html
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« Reply #139 on: May 16, 2009, 09:53:34 AM »


President Palin’s First 100 Days
A near disaster.

By Victor Davis Hanson


WASHINGTON (AP) — The first 100 days of the Palin presidency, according to a consensus of media commentators, have proven a near disaster. Perhaps it was Palin’s scant two years’ experience in a major government position that has eroded her gravitas, or maybe it was her flirty reliance on looks and informal chit-chat. In any case, the press has had a field day, and it is hard to see how President Palin can ever recover from the Quayle/potatoe syndrome. Here is a roundup of this week’s pundit mockery.

LET THEM EAT MOOSE
“Ted Stevens may have gotten off,” wrote Bob Herbert in the New York Times, “but he taught our Sarah something first — like using $100-a-pound beef for her state dinners. And what’s this $50 mil for her inauguration gala? Since when do you fly in your favorite pizza-maker from across the country on our dime? Or send the presidential 747 for a spin over the Big Apple for a third-of-a-million-dollar joyride? Does Palin think she’s still in Alaska and has to have everything flown in from the South 48 by jumbo jet?”

WASILLA CHIC
Also in the Times, Gail Collins weighed in on the already-tired yokelism of the new commander in chief. “What we’re getting is Wasilla chic. That’s what we’re getting. She arrives in the Oval Office, and first thing sends back Blair’s gift of the Churchill bust as if it’s a once-worn Penney’s outfit. Then she gives the Brits some unwatchable DVDs as a booby prize — as if she idled the old Yukon and ran into Target’s sale aisle. Did Sarah send Bristol into Wal-Mart back in Anchorage for that ‘engraved’ iPod for the queen? And what’s this don’t-bow-to-the-queen stuff, but curtsy for a Saudi sheik? Maybe that explains why she brags to Stephanopoulos about her ‘Muslim faith.’ So far, the best things going for her are Todd’s biceps.”

IT'S THE MATH, STUPID!
“Well,” lectured Paul Krugman, again in the Times, “we were worried that they didn’t teach math at Idaho U., and now we know for sure they don’t. Is it $1.6 trillion, $1.7 trillion, or $2 trillion in red ink this year? Are we supposed to be impressed that she offers ‘fiscal sobriety’ by cutting 0.003 percent of the budget? She gives out money to those who don’t pay taxes and calls it a tax cut. And now Queen Sarah tells us that in four years she’ll ‘halve’ the deficit, as if she hasn’t borrowed another $5 trillion in the meantime. Does she think we’re morons? How many ‘Drill, baby, drill!’ oil wells can she tap into up there in Alaska to pay for the extra $11 trillion in debt she’s saddling us with?”

WORSE THAN 'NUCULAR'
ABC’s Katie Couric summed up the general disappointment with the president’s communication skills. “I tried to warn the American people in that interview a few years back what they would get if they voted for her. Let’s face it: She’s a walking embarrassment. I mean just count ’em up: The mayor of Wasilla thinks Austrians speak some lingo called ‘Austrian.’ Then she tries her hand at Spanish and comes up with some concoction, ‘Cinco de Cuatro.’ Next thing she’ll walk into the window of the Oval Office and expect it to open — oops, she’s already done that. No wonder that when her Teleprompter stalls, she shuts her mouth until it catches up. I’m surprised she managed to get sworn in. And did she think that tasteless ‘Special Olympics’ slur was funny? Or making fun of octogenarian Nancy Reagan’s séances? No wonder Wanda Sykes feels at home.”

ANCHORAGE STYLE
A “dragon lady in heels” is what President Palin is, according to the NYT’s Frank Rich. “Don’t fall for this pageant nice-girl stuff. Our former beauty queen is a ward hack. Look at her nominations. Can’t Palin find anyone who has paid his taxes — or do they simply ignore that stuff in no-tax Alaska? Does ‘No more lobbyists’ mean ‘More lobbyists than ever’? Her chief performance overseer doesn’t perform too well herself — and, like Daschle, Geithner, and the rest, skips out on her taxes. When Palin brags about fiscal sobriety, it really means record deficits. In Sarahland, not wanting to take over banks and car companies translates into, ‘She already has.’ Highest ethical standards equates to ‘There are none.’ Calling herself the VA president means she’s just told vets to use their own health insurance.”

GUTTER TRASH
“Pretty crude, pretty petty,” Sally Quinn sighed in the Washington Post. “No manners at all. Does our new mom in chief think it’s neat to laugh when her court jester at the correspondents’ dinner calls Michael Moore a traitor and a terrorist — and hopes he dies of kidney failure? Is that funny? Ask those on dialysis. Is that what Alaskan hockey moms do — scream out at every talk-show host who hurts their itty-bitty feelings? Limbaugh, Hannity — who will it will be next? Poor old Jim Cramer?”

NEOCON CON
“She’s a Bush clone,” the Times’s Maureen Dowd chimed in. “Bush is out, Palin is in — but we keep getting renditions, military tribunals, wiretaps, e-mail intercepts, Predator drone executions over Pakistan, the same in Iraq, and even more of the same in Afghanistan — all retrofitted with new ‘hope and change’ banalities. I mean, who’s putting Mommy Dearest up to this — Wolfie, Perlie, Cheney?”

TINGLE FOR HUGO?
“There is no foreign policy,” Chris Matthews said on Hardball, his voice dripping with scorn. “She just tours the world and nods, as if her good looks and serial apologies are going to win us a collective tingle abroad. I don’t think Hugo Chávez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad care much that she’s got great legs and a nice wink. How many times can Ms. Vapid say, ‘We’re sorry’ and ‘Hit that old reset button’ and expect thugs to make nice?”

RACE, ALL THE TIME
Eugene Robinson worried in the Washington Post about Palin’s emphasis on race. “Look, she gets 95 percent of the working-class white vote. She promises next month to talk to the ‘Christian world’ from Estonia, of all places. Hello? She goes to the Summit of the Americas and immediately puts race on the table — as if we are supposed to separate those with European heritage from those without. Then she tells al Arabiyya that she hopes to heal the rift with Europe ‘because of my own shared European heritage that seems to resonate in ways I hadn’t imagined throughout the EU.’ I guess we’re learning that those ‘gaffes’ last year on the campaign trail, like her ‘typical black person’ remark and Todd’s ‘I am finally proud of my country again’ nonsense were not gaffes at all.”

WHERE IS THE PRESS?
Howard Kurtz summed up the press cynicism the best in his Washington Post column. “How long does she think she can keep picking on her right-wing plants in the audience for these softball Q-and-A sessions? I mean, there are only so many pukey ‘What has surprised you the most about this office? What has enchanted you the most about serving in this office?’ questions you can lob.”
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« Reply #140 on: May 17, 2009, 01:02:16 PM »

May 15, 2009
More Carbon: The Only Answer to Global Freezing
James Lewis
Global Warming is dead. Global Freezing is in.

According Dr. Terri Jackson, a physicist and climatologist, writing in the Belfast (Ireland) Telegraph, on May 13,

"There is now irrefutable scientific evidence that far from global warming the earth has now entered a period of global cooling which will last at least for the next two decades.

"Evidence for this comes from the NASA Microwave Sounding Unit and the Hadley Climate Research Unit... ."


Etcetera ad infinitum. You've heard it before. Just flip the temperature story from high to low. The polar bears are all going to live, but the desert jackals are all going extinct. Along with James Hansen and the other global fraudsters.

Now watch the political class jump on the Global Freezing bandwagon. They don't care. Doom is doom! Money is money. Power is power.

Global Freezing? Goody! It's another jackpot!

And they will be warmly supported by all the corrupt and money-hungry science-types who run the big science journals.

But here's the kicker: we won't have to do anything to change the climate back --- not if you believe any of the professional liars of the Global Warming scam. All we have to do is follow the lead of India and China and increase our carbon production as much as possible!


See, Obama's EPA has decided that carbon warms the planet.

That's a great Green opportunity for the political class, because now they can tax carbon --- including breathing out, expelling gas in other ways, and running your car in the driveway.

Not to mention private jets and running coal-fired plants, drilling for oil, and a thousand other sensible ideas for more energy independence.

Well, if carbon warms the planet, and the planet is now sliding downward into frozen hell, it's obvious what we must do, fast: 

Burn more coal.

Drill more oil.

Make more and bigger cars.

And above all, stop taxing carbon!
That way producers will make more.
And of course, stop throwing more money after new sci-fi brainstorm for novel energy from the sun, the oceans, geothermal, and ethanol. 

Just remember to use as much carbon as you can. Do Mother Gaia a big favor. Breathe out as much as you can. Have a BBQ in your backyard. Eat beef.

And let's teach all the little kids around the world to burn their carbon!

Only you can Save the Planet!

Cliff Thier adds:

We also need to destroy the damn rainforest.

I'm eating breakfast and noticed, not for the first time, that I'm being exhorted by Tropicana (on the top of an orange juice container) to "Rescue The Rainforest" as a way of cooling the earth.

Well, it's time to cut down those trees.

Also, I thought I'd form an organization to knit sweaters for the whales. And, turtlenecks for the turtles,

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/05/more_carbon_the_only_answer_to.html
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« Reply #141 on: May 21, 2009, 02:16:57 PM »

California mom tells cops she had sex with boys to keep them away from her daughter

Associated Press
Posted: 05/15/2009 07:52:04 AM PDT
Updated: 05/19/2009 08:13:35 PM PDT

A 30-year-old Northern California woman has pleaded not guilty to charges that she had sex with three teenage boys.
Deborah Towe faces 11 felony counts, including unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, oral copulation of a person under the age of 16, committing lewd acts upon a child and arranging a meeting with a minor for a lewd purpose.

The boys were 15 and 16 years old.

Police in Anderson, about 150 miles north of Sacramento, began investigating in April after two girls from a local middle school reported that a friend's mother was having sex with boys.

In a 48-page report released this week, Towe told police she was protecting her daughter by diverting the boys' attention to herself.

She denied the charges during an appearance Wednesday in Shasta County Superior Court. Towe remains jailed, with her bond set at $250,000.

http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12374655?source=most_viewed
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« Reply #142 on: May 25, 2009, 07:58:21 AM »

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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« Reply #143 on: May 30, 2009, 12:00:54 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPyuV4QJ5HU&feature=player_embedded

Kung Fu flick-- Jesus beats Batman
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« Reply #144 on: May 30, 2009, 09:00:34 PM »

A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late. He said dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at their previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something so trivial.

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, "Dirty magazines: The clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
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« Reply #145 on: June 23, 2009, 11:40:18 AM »

http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/
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« Reply #146 on: July 08, 2009, 09:25:58 PM »

Hehehe technology is great...treat musicians who can use youtube with care!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo
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« Reply #147 on: July 15, 2009, 06:32:39 PM »

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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« Reply #148 on: July 22, 2009, 01:54:13 PM »

Introducing Reforma:


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« Reply #149 on: July 28, 2009, 07:37:31 AM »

Ordering Pizza in 2012!(the source suprised me)
http://aclu.org/pizza/
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