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Topic: Humor/WTF (Read 65370 times)
Reply #150 on:
July 29, 2009, 08:20:20 PM »
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
Reply #151 on:
July 31, 2009, 03:45:52 PM »
A quiz show I'd like to see:
Re: Baby Drops a Dime on Dad
Reply #152 on:
August 06, 2009, 01:49:05 PM »
Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on January 21, 2009, 08:34:31 PM
Baby Accidentally Dials 911, Leads To Arrest Of Father
I had my niece (who was almost two) dial 911 accidentally at our house in Arkansas... No arrests or anything... Just explained to the dispatcher what happened... They sent a squad by later just to confirm though... Of course, this was 18 years ago
Really, Don't Feed the Bears
Reply #153 on:
August 08, 2009, 03:04:57 PM »
DOW Agents Find Bear Devouring Elderly Woman
Woman Had Been Known To Feed Bears, Wildlife Officers Say
POSTED: 9:50 pm MDT August 7, 2009
UPDATED: 10:35 pm MDT August 7, 2009
OURAY, Colo. -- A bear was found Friday devouring the body of a 73-year-old woman who had been repeatedly asked not to feed the bears, the Division of Wildlife said.
A caretaker saw the bear feeding on the woman's body as she lay outside of her home, just north of Ouray. The caretaker called 911 and dispatchers reported the incident to the DOW.
While it's unclear if she was killed by the bear or died of other causes, there were wounds from an animal found on her body, DOW spokesman Joe Lewandowski said.
Lewandowski said the woman was known to feed bears dog food for years and would not stop, even after repeated requests from the DOW.
While sheriff's deputies were at the woman's home investigating the report of the mauling, an aggressive bear approached them so they killed it. The 250-pound male bear will be taken to the Colorado State Veterinary office, where a necropsy will be performed and its stomach contents will be examined and analyzed.
The victim's name is not being released until her family is notified.
The Montrose Memorial Hospital will conduct the autopsy on the woman and results should be released by noon Saturday, the DOW said.
"There have been a lot of bears that have been habituated to dog food. Once this happens you cannot relocate them," Lewandowski said. "Once bears are accustomed to the food, there is no getting them off it. The bears will keep coming back."
He said the DOW will have to kill bears that show up at the woman's house because they are accustomed to the food.
The DOW and the Ouray County Sheriff's Office are investigating the incident.
There have been only two fatal bear attacks in Colorado in the past 100 years. The first was in Grand County in 1971, when a man was killed. The second incident was Aug. 10, 1993 in Fremont County when a 24-year-old man was killed.
Reply #154 on:
August 09, 2009, 08:06:22 AM »
Best Come Back Line???
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? S*it .... is it midnight already?"'
Re: The pumpkin
Reply #155 on:
August 19, 2009, 09:39:49 AM »
Wasn't sure where else to put this, but it's definitely a mind-blower...
A Brazilian schoolgirl was held Monday night for knifing 30 men to death.
The 17-year-old stunned cops by owning up to a serial killing spree that
started when she was 15.
She told detectives she wanted to confess before she turned 18 and could be
tried as an adult.
The girl - who can't be named because she is still a minor - said she began
targeting men in her home city of Sao Paulo, Brazil "for money, revenge and
to bring justice."
She even smiled as she reeled off her list of victims - which is feared to
make her the world's most prolific teenage serial killer. She calmly
bragged to police: "I don't have enough courage to hold a gun - but I can
hold a knife.
"I am confessing because I promised I would do so before becoming 18 - to
avoid upsetting my family."
The teen told how she always used the same knife - butchering one man for
throwing a glass of brandy in her face in a bar fight.
But police are still unclear about what drove her to keep on killing.
Sources said one theory is she was hired by gangland bosses as an assassin
because she was so innocent-looking. The teenager's sensational confession
came after she was arrested over a Sao Paulo street fight.
It shocked a country still reeling from the arrest of a TV crime show host
for allegedly arranging killings to boost ratings.
Anthropogenic Continental Drift!
Reply #156 on:
August 20, 2009, 09:05:07 AM »
Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again
A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
Science in Unquestionable
The continents rest on massive tectonic plates. Until the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 18th century, these plates were fixed in place and immobile. However, drilling for oil and mining for minerals has cut these plates loose from their primordial moorings and left them to drift aimlessly. "The potential for damage is truly catastrophic," said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental Drift (IPCD). "The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos by next Tuesday." The representative seemed close to tears during his announcement, a clear indicator of the severity of the threat.
Villages in Peril
The IPCD bureaucracy has gone even further, proposing immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates and Europe be paid to the governments of non-industrial nations. "These non-industrial nations will be hardest hit by the looming catastrophe. No right-thinking scientist can question that," pronounced Brinker after composing himself. "On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages." These villages, it must be pointed out, are the primary raisers of children. Only massive infusions of industrial-nation cash can avert these effects.
China and India will be exempted from these indemnities; as non-European nations they have automatic victim-status and thus cannot be held accountable for ACD, despite their industrial economies. South Korea and Japan, as nominal allies of the United States, however, will be subjected to the same penalties as their allies. If the measure is passed by the United Nations, all penalty monies will be paid into the IPCD General Fund, which will cover the continuing study of ACD and disburse funds to deserving member states.
Polar Bears in Peril
"Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North America plows toward Asia," explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. "What's more, millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them."
Data is 'Air France' Tight and Undeniable
This widening of the Atlantic is taking place at an astounding rate, according to indisputable IPCD scientific data. Today it costs almost a third again as much to fly an Air France jet from New York to Paris than it did in 1997, a clear indicator that the ocean has indeed increased in size in the past decade. Surface shipping rates have likewise increased dramatically.
"This is a clear and reliable indicator of the speed of ACD," said Passapotapissalong, "much more so than the global positioning satellite data often cited by 'Continental Drift Deniers.' The GPS system was, after all, originally created by the US military to enhance their empire-building program, and we all know who controls the US military." He paused at this point and pulled his ears out to each side, a clear reference to the ape-like countenance of the American president.
"Although these so-called 'scientists' claim that there is no GPS data to support the rapid widening of the Atlantic Ocean, they are all employees of American corporations or have been paid to falsify their data by the American government. Air France fuel costs are a much more reliable indicator of distance flown." He added that he and his right-thinking colleagues had "nothing to gain" by presenting their findings, pointing out that their stipends, expenses and salaries were drawn from the IPCD General Fund, not corporate or government grants.
Representatives from all continents will converge on the last geologically stable point on earth, the Island of Oahu, later this month for the "First International Conference on Anthropogenic Continental Drift." Organizers stress that the location, despite being part of the United States, was chosen solely due to its geological stability and that the venue has nothing to do with climate, accommodations, or the availability of private jet hanger space.
"We are here to decide the fate of the planet," said Brinker. "After a tough day of negotiations, it is essential that delegates have a stable beach to stroll, a cocktail lounge that isn't bouncing around due to continental whiplash, and ladies of negotiable affection whose balance has not been affected by sudden surges of continental acceleration. Without these, we might make some crazy decisions."
Reply #157 on:
August 22, 2009, 01:30:19 AM »
Numerous purported responses to BHO's fishy.whitehouse.gov solicitation:
Reply #158 on:
August 27, 2009, 01:41:37 PM »
This is actually getting to be old hat... No surprise alcohol was involved
LAND O’ LAKES - William Allen was on the phone with his ex-wife Sunday night and his live-in girlfriend apparently didn't like it, and soon he was getting jabbed with a ninja sword, according to Pasco sheriff's office report.
Naturally, deputies got two stories about what happened, but the gist of it was that one of them started yelling and then fists started flying. Dana Gordon said Allen slapped her across the face first, according to the report, but Allen said she punched him in the face seven, maybe eight times. That's when he spit on her and slapped her, according to the report.
Gordon, 37, then grabbed the sword, which has a 12- to 14-inch blade, and started poking Allen in the arms, legs and torso, causing several cuts, according to the report.
Gordon told deputies she held the blade to Allen and told him to leave her alone.
Allen, 39, was able to wrestle the sword away from her and then ran into the bedroom to call 911, according to the report.
When deputies arrived to the home at 21336 Aaron Court, they saw several cuts and scratches on Allen.
They had both been drinking, Allen told deputies, and he didn't want her to go to jail.
Gordon was arrested on a felony aggravated domestic battery charge. She is being held without bail at the Land O' Lakes Jail.
The sword was seized as evidence.
To the nation's school children
Reply #159 on:
September 04, 2009, 01:54:17 PM »
JFK twisted?? To our school children:
"Ask NOT what your country can do for you",
what you can do FOR Obama?"
Reply #160 on:
September 05, 2009, 06:15:15 PM »
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. during the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea that's what you were doing with the money, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
PJTV Salutes Mr. Tax-Law-Writing-Tax-Evader
Reply #161 on:
September 23, 2009, 08:44:50 AM »
"PJTV Salutes Mr. Tax-Law-Writing-Tax-Evader"
BHO/IOC Top 10
Reply #162 on:
October 03, 2009, 11:02:08 AM »
Top 10 Reasons Chicago Didn't Get the Olympics [Rich Lowry]
10. Dead people can't vote at IOC meetings
9. Obama distracted by 25 min meeting with Gen. McChrystal
8. Who cares if Obama couldn't talk the IOC into Chicago? He'll be able to talk Iran out of nukes.
7. The impediment is Israel still building settlements.
6. Obviously no president would have been able to acomplish it.
5. We've been quite clear and said all along that we didn't want the Olympics.
4. This isn't about the number of Olympics "lost", it's about the number of Olympics "saved" or "created".
3. Clearly not enough wise Latina judges on the committee
2. Because the IOC is racist.
1. It's George Bush's fault.
WTF? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed to have Jewish past
Reply #163 on:
October 05, 2009, 09:47:20 AM »
Home News World News Middle East Iran
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed to have Jewish past
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's vitriolic attacks on the Jewish world hide an astonishing secret, evidence uncovered by The Daily Telegraph shows.
By Damien McElroy and Ahmad Vahdat
Published: 7:30AM BST 03 Oct 2009
Ahmadinejad showing papers during election
Ahmadinejad showing papers during election. It shows that his family's previous name was Jewish
A photograph of the Iranian president holding up his identity card during elections in March 2008 clearly shows his family has Jewish roots.
A close-up of the document reveals he was previously known as Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver.
The short note scrawled on the card suggests his family changed its name to Ahmadinejad when they converted to embrace Islam after his birth.
The Sabourjians traditionally hail from Aradan, Mr Ahmadinejad's birthplace, and the name derives from "weaver of the Sabour", the name for the Jewish Tallit shawl in Persia. The name is even on the list of reserved names for Iranian Jews compiled by Iran's Ministry of the Interior.
The Iranian leader has not denied his name was changed when his family moved to Tehran in the 1950s. But he has never revealed what it was change from or directly addressed the reason for the switch.
Relatives have previously said a mixture of religious reasons and economic pressures forced his blacksmith father Ahmad to change when Mr Ahmadinejad was aged four.
During this year's presidential debate on television he was goaded to admit that his name had changed but he ignored the jibe.
However Mehdi Khazali, an internet blogger, who called for an investigation of Mr Ahmadinejad's roots was arrested this summer.
Reply #164 on:
October 05, 2009, 10:14:37 AM »
Sounds awfully like the rumors of Hitlers partial Jewish ancestry.
Reply #165 on:
October 05, 2009, 10:40:44 AM »
"Sounds awfully like the rumors of Hitlers partial Jewish ancestry."
I remember that and believe it was debunked. With Makmood I think it irrelevant what makes him the way he is - I see him more as a puppet than a leader - so I put it under WTF.
Reply #166 on:
October 05, 2009, 02:14:08 PM »
Lets start a rumor Netenyahu is part Iranian. He can trace his ancestry back to Cyrus the Great
A Heisman for BHO
Reply #167 on:
October 10, 2009, 12:40:37 AM »
Click the link below and then write in Barack Obama as your vote for the Heisman Trophy so he can add it to his collection of undeserved awards. . . .
Reply #168 on:
October 11, 2009, 11:53:17 PM »
this is just odd and funny. Nature lover is on the receiving end
9 Year Old Hockey Goal
Reply #169 on:
October 15, 2009, 11:31:32 AM »
Probably a better place to post this, but I couldn't find it. Some amazing stick handling:
Reply #170 on:
October 15, 2009, 06:01:40 PM »
So that is what a dynamo is
Updated Bumper Sticker
Reply #171 on:
October 16, 2009, 02:43:33 PM »
This oughta make some heads explode:
Reply #172 on:
October 30, 2009, 03:41:05 PM »
I am not ready to give up on the U.S. constitution yet but this made me smile.
Reply #173 on:
October 31, 2009, 05:22:53 PM »
Think I just found a new business to get into. I wonder if they have franchises:
Reply #174 on:
November 17, 2009, 08:52:04 PM »
Top Ten Cheney 2012 Slogans
10. "Yeah, I'm a compassionate conservative. I let you live, didn't I?"
9. "The Secret Service's new job? Protecting other world leaders from me."
8. "I'll crush all enemies foreign & domestic. Then I'll figure out a goal for Week Two."
7. "I shot a guy in the face and he apologized to me."
6. "Democrats will need Universal Health Care after I'm through with them."
5. "Want to see world leaders bowing? Oh, they'll bow alright."
4. "Do what I say or I'll have my daughter kick your $*%."
3. "On my World Apology Tour, I won't be the one apologizing."
2. "I never had a heart attack. I just stopped it a few times to show it who was boss."
1. "Vote for me. Or not. Like I give a *!#& what you do."
China Press Conference
Reply #175 on:
November 22, 2009, 02:27:48 PM »
SNL lays it all out there:
Looks like it got taken off YouTube. Try this instead:
Scroll down to the Hulu video.
Last Edit: December 07, 2009, 08:54:43 AM by Body-by-Guinness
A Little Help from Microsoft
Reply #176 on:
December 03, 2009, 12:12:10 PM »
The friendly paperclip weighs in on Climategate:
Reply #177 on:
December 04, 2009, 08:30:44 AM »
Here is a DOG!
Reply #178 on:
December 07, 2009, 08:34:14 AM »
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysNo crap, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Reply #179 on:
December 08, 2009, 05:11:53 PM »
A very successful oilman dies. He faces Saint Peter, who says, “You’ve been a good man and normally I’d send you to heaven, but heaven is full. We only have a place in hell.”
The oilman says, “Any chance I could talk to other oilmen who are in heaven? Maybe I can convince someone to switch places with me?”
Saint Peter says, “It’s never happened before, but sure, I don’t see any harm in it.”
The oilman goes to heaven, finds an oilmen convention and yells, “They found a huge oil discovery in hell!” Oilmen are stampeding out of heaven to hell, and our oilman is running with them.
Saint Peter asks him “Why are you going to hell with them? I have a spot in heaven, you can stay.”
The oilman answers – “Are you kidding, what if it’s true?”
Twas the night
Reply #180 on:
December 20, 2009, 06:53:14 PM »
Twas the night before Christmas
By "Dangerous" Dave Workman
`Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding,
As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading.
The empties from autumn were polished so clear
For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer
And Hornady softpoints, and Nosler's Partitions
(MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!)
All sat in their boxes, right next to the press
With dies from Pacific, and RCBS
When all of a sudden there came such a jolt,
I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt.
As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf
I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself
From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting
Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting!
I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto
With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto
Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
"It's Santa, you moron, lemme in, I'm freezing!"
I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide,
To find St. Nick a'shivering, Rudolph by his side
He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval
"You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."
"But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you
Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you"
Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow
My .357, 'till day after tomorrow
"It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration.
"I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association"
He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating
"I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"
"And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous
"Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us
"So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin'
"I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'
"And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot
"I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot!
"Now, Rudy and I must be on our way"
He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh
With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket
He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket
With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare
I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear
As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling
"From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling
"To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta
"I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"
. . . and then, The Sequel . . .
'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all
If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson
Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh
When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats.
New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.
Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.
The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared
Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath
One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow
The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow
"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
"Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
"Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"
After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
"Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"
So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
"Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"
And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?
"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
"But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
"And now, I must leave you, until late next December
"But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember
"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
"So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
"In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
"If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"
Reply #181 on:
December 30, 2009, 06:48:40 PM »
There once was a Muslim from Nigeria
Who for fun joined Al Queda
He loved to kill Americans for sport
So he got right through the airport
With a bomb in his shorts
The dynamite fizzled
His testicles sizzled
And instead of a fundamentalist hero
He wound up a jailed zero.
There once was a man named Osama
Who had a good friend named Obama
The former sinned
The latter grinned
And the ACLU winned
The former drinks moletovs
The latter drinks beer
And Americans lived in fear
Our hero Biden
Came out of hiden
First to go thru a scanner
Our enemies cheered with laughter
At his latest gaffer
In Uncle Sam has never before
A leader not known the score
We will all wind up dead or poor.
The Flexible Up & Down Guess Estimate
Reply #182 on:
January 07, 2010, 08:37:02 PM »
Global Warming Consensus Reaches 130% with -50% Against
By Will Beria
1/1/2010, 5:35 pm
It's official: the consensus for Man-made Climate Change is now over-unanimous. The results from a recent poll conducted by the Mann-Hansen Group strongly support Man-made Climate Change theories by 130% for to -50% against. This unprecedented result was obtained by counting a 'no' vote as a negative response which is added by subtracting. This also generates a positive feedback raising the pro vote beyond the 100% level.
Explained a Mann-Hansen expert, "Yes, the numbers don't exactly add up to 100, a discrepancy we attribute to the carbon offset, as the poll takers, being life forms, have quite a bit of carbon in them. In any case, the whole thing has man's carbon fingerprints all over it. Our computer models can rectify this using the customary Flexible Up and Down Guess Estimate, or FUDGE factor. This might seem unnatural, but Man-made Climate Change is unnatural, so the consensus may as well be, too. You have to fight fire with fire."
He continued, "The Precautionary Principle would seem to imply we act with caution, but as the consensus has passed the 100% tipping point, it no longer applies. This invokes the Post-Cautionary Principle meaning radical, precipitous action is now required. Which is what we've been saying all along, only now we've produced some overwhelming numbers to back us up."
Re: Humor/a WTF winter
Reply #183 on:
January 08, 2010, 05:29:33 PM »
I mentioned earlier in Pathological Science our extreme weather here and elsewhere this winter / (every winter). Last night coming into the 9th Mpls day in a row below zero I heard the forecast last night that the coldest morning yet is next, (WTF). As Accuweather puts it: bitterly cold. And yes, I still see a few high school boys wearing shorts to school; must be a badge of toughness.
For those of you in the warm climates I share this Upper Penninsula (Michigan) photo, (not Antarctica), received in the email so the that you might visualize what they mean by 'lake effect' snow, along with a cartoon. Maybe the U.P. photo could have gone under 'water issues'.
Reply #184 on:
January 08, 2010, 05:58:55 PM »
New take on candid camera
Reply #185 on:
January 12, 2010, 03:33:30 PM »
While in the hospital discussing new regulations I joked I would go to the bathroom here so I don't have to waste a toilet flush at home and get taxed for a flush.
Someone countered it would be called the "crap tax".
Now I would call all taxes crappy but this is a first.
Cubism & More
Reply #186 on:
January 21, 2010, 10:47:07 PM »
Last Edit: January 21, 2010, 10:54:09 PM by Body-by-Guinness
Post Racial Punditry
Reply #187 on:
January 29, 2010, 01:04:25 PM »
Stewart skewers Matthews:
Loading Ice on to the Titanic
Reply #188 on:
February 03, 2010, 07:37:08 AM »
Scientologists in Haiti: A Firsthand Account
We've spoken to someone who traveled to Haiti on a Scientology plane — and witnessed firsthand the ineptitude, quackery and irresponsibility of the church's minions in a disaster zone. Here's his account.
I arrived at JFK last week, ready to go.
I knew we were traveling with doctors and EMTs, but I didn't expect to see 50 scientologists, in their yellow shirts with Volunteer Minister on them. They were completely unprepared for going to a third world country, let alone a disaster zone. One girl was in designer cowboy boots. I asked her if she'd brought any sturdier footwear.
"Oh no, these'll be fine."
I asked another guy what he'd packed and he said he hadn't bothered to bring soap or toilet paper or food, but that he'd just "buy whatever I need at Port-au-Prince airport." I couldn't break it to him.
They had no place to stay, and no supplies — their idea was to use the ton of money they had to buy food to distribute when they got there. But there was no food and no water. That was the point.
By the time we arrived in Haiti, after a stopover in Miami, we had missed three landing slots at the airport. Aid agencies — genuine aid agencies — from other countries were being turned away, refused permission to land. But we still got a slot straight away. The guy who ran our charter seemed to think that the Scientologists had some real influence with the US Government, who were assigning the slots.
The doctors and EMTs in our party headed straight downtown to start working. The Scientologists had nowhere to go, and nowhere to put up the big yellow tent they'd brought for touch healing people in. They went to the UN, and managed to get on to their list of approved NGOs somehow. That meant they could set up in the UN grounds.
But they had no-one who spoke Creole, and they brought the weirdness of touch healing into a very superstitious society. They'd leave the tent and come into the general hospital downtown, and try healing people. One of the doctors and one of the nurses told me that the wounded started coming to them to tell them they didn't want to be treated by the people in the yellow shirts.
One nurse told me that the Scientologists actually caused harm — they gave food to people who were scheduled to go into surgery. That then led to complications in the operating theater.
On the way back, the plane stopped in Miami and did not go on to New York, stranding all the doctors and EMTs and journalists who expected to get back. After much fighting, the Scientologist representative agreed to fly any of the EMTs that "absolutely couldn't afford the ticket" on Jet Blue from Fort Lauderdale. I heard there were complications but had bought my own ticket because I was fed up with their weirdness.
WTF: Woman deported by fake Marshal
Reply #189 on:
February 03, 2010, 08:59:56 AM »
Police: Woman deported by fake marshal
03:13 PM PST on Tuesday, February 2, 2010
By JOHN ASBURY
Authorities are investigating a Hemet man suspected of posing as a United States marshal to kidnap a woman and falsely deport her to the Philippines, according to a Hemet police report. Hemet police arrested Greg Raymond Denny Jr., 37, last month on suspicion of kidnapping and impersonating an officer. Federal authorities also are investigating claims that he used a fake badge to bypass San Diego airport security and put the woman on a plane to her home country, where she remains. Her U.S. immigration status is unclear, even to her.
"The Transportation Security Administration is aware of and reviewing an incident where an individual allegedly presented falsified law enforcement credentials at San Diego's Lindbergh Field," according to a statement from the TSA.
Denny, who is a distant cousin of the woman's husband, Craig Hibbard, is now free on $50,000 bond. Police arrested him three days after the incident when he came in for questioning at the police station, wearing a fake marshal's badge and a replica of a pistol on his hip. Authorities said they aren't sure what the motive was. But Denny told police that Craig Hibbard's father called him to report that the woman was in the country illegally and having problems at their home, said Hemet police Lt. Duane Wisehart. Denny said Monday by phone that the kidnapping claims were false, but did not elaborate.
"I do think the story is true and just took a while for the family to let it sink in and realize something wasn't right," Wisehart said. "I think this guy thought he was doing a favor because they wanted her deported and he went about it the wrong way."
No other arrests have been made or are expected soon, Wisehart said. According to police, Denny entered the woman's home Jan. 15. Wearing a shirt that said "U.S. Marshal," Denny flashed a circled-star badge quickly and declared he was there to deport her, said Hemet police Lt. Mark Richards. Police said Denny handcuffed Cherriebelle Hibbard at gunpoint and took her from the home on Stepstone Court. At the time, Hibbard's family believed Denny was a marshal, even though he refused to show them the immigration paperwork.
Federal marshals are presidentially appointed, and the agency employs about 3,340 deputies and investigators nationwide. Marshals usually are tasked with finding federal fugitives, guarding federal judges and transporting federal prisoners.
Craig Hibbard said in a telephone interview that he agreed to cooperate after Denny threatened to put his wife in jail. Hibbard said he had only met his cousin twice. Three days after his wife, who is a citizen of the Philippines, was put on the plane, he called the U.S. Marshal's Service, and officials told him Denny was not an agent, Craig Hibbard said. After that, he called Hemet police.
"I didn't question it," Craig Hibbard said. "He had the shirt on and a badge and everything. He looked real and had an ID that said, 'U.S. Marshal.' "
The U.S. Marshal's Service is investigating, said spokesman Brian Valladarez. The case is also under review by the Riverside County district attorney's office, which could file charges or refer the case to the U.S. Attorney's office. Hemet police said they have forwarded the case to the San Diego FBI. Special Agent Darrell Foxworth said the FBI could not confirm or deny whether an investigation is under way.
Stuck in Manila
Reached by phone Monday in Manila, Cherriebelle Hibbard, said she doesn't know whether she is allowed to come back to the United States.
Her husband said she is five months pregnant and that they have been married for three years. He said that she canceled her green card last year in a dispute with him, saying she wanted to go home to the Philippines. The couple later reconciled, and she tried to renew her immigration documents prior to the confrontation with Denny, he said. Craig Hibbard said they were told by immigration officials in San Bernardino at the time that the green card was being processed and she was allowed to stay in the United States. Cherriebelle Hibbard said she had never met Denny and didn't realize he was her husband's cousin until after she was deported. She said she had no prior knowledge about the plot to deport her.
"Honestly no. I had no idea. ... He just only knock on door so hard and when he get inside the house, he say, 'Where is she, where is she?' I know I'm the one he's been looking for," Cherriebelle Hibbard said. "I can't do anything about it. I'm pregnant and don't want to take the kids away from my husband."
Denny left with Cherriebelle Hibbard, saying he was going to take the woman to the U.S. Border Patrol station in Murrieta in Southwest Riverside County. He returned with her an hour later, saying border agents wouldn't take his prisoner, according to the police report. He then said he was going to take her to the San Diego airport. Police said Denny forced Craig Hibbard to buy his wife a plane ticket and have his mother drive Denny and Cherriebelle to the airport. Hibbard's mother told police that Denny was wearing his holstered weapon and showed his badge to three airport security officers. He was cleared to proceed through security and put Cherriebelle Hibbard on a plane to San Francisco en route to Manila, according to the police report. Denny told police he walked the woman to the gate, took off the handcuffs and watched her board the plane. At the airport in San Francisco, Cherriebelle Hibbard said she was told by Customs agents that there was no deportation record on file. She said she told them that she had to go to the Philippines because she gave Denny her U.S. entry visa form and she feared going to prison if she didn't comply. Police said Denny returned from the airport to Hemet and left the Hibbard home.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokeswoman Lori Haley said she was unfamiliar with the case Monday. Haley said federal marshals do not carry out deportation orders. When an immigration hold is found, only ICE Agents or FBI agents carry out an arrest. The defendant is then permitted to a due process hearing before an immigration issues a deportation order.
Denny was called by Hemet police for questioning Jan. 18. He entered the Hemet police station wearing a fake gun in his holster, with a T-shirt that read "Federal Agent" and the fake marshal's badge around his neck, Lt. Richards said. Denny identified himself as a marshal and offered knowledge related to the agency's leadership organization and his training, Richards said. Police checked Denny's records and found he was never employed by the Marshal's Service or any law enforcement agency. He listed his profession with police as working in fugitive apprehension for Absolute Bail Bonds. Denny admitted to impersonating a marshal and verified the family's account, Richards said. Deputy U.S. Marshal Omar Castillo said impersonating a federal agent usually carries federal felony charges. Though cases of impersonating agents are rare, Castillo said it does occur occasionally.
"It depends on the circumstances surrounding it," Castillo said. "If he's wearing a weapon or a handgun, then he's likely facing serious charges. And if he deported someone, that's basically kidnapping."
Reply #190 on:
February 07, 2010, 09:17:48 PM »
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the
flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
"And what is that?" asked the priest..
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Reply #191 on:
February 07, 2010, 09:36:03 PM »
The Deadly Gonorrhea Lectim Strain
The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect them." Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured .... by simply voting out all incumbents! In spite of the perils, Pelosi, Reid and Obama are working in secret legislation to place Gonorrhea Lectim on the endangered species list to assure its survival.
This is your Brain on Drugs
Reply #192 on:
February 08, 2010, 06:48:44 PM »
Police: Man tried to buy crack with credit card
2/8/2010, 9:10 a.m. EST
(AP) — FLINT, Mich. - Authorities say a man accused of stealing a car then reporting it stolen remains in custody after telling Flint police he was robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy crack cocaine with a credit card.
The Flint Journal says the man reported Thursday night that a 2003 Chevy Malibu had been stolen. Police reports indicated the vehicle was previously stolen out of Lapeer, about 50 miles north-northwest of Detroit.
The suspect is being lodged at the Genesee County Jail.
Reply #193 on:
February 13, 2010, 04:46:48 PM »
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Beware of Greeking baring , , ,
Reply #194 on:
February 14, 2010, 06:53:06 PM »
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
Reply #195 on:
February 17, 2010, 02:32:41 PM »
Olympic Gold Seekers Hindered by Green Foolery
You may have heard that the men’s 500-meter speedskating event was delayed for over an hour at Monday night’s Olympics. What you probably didn’t hear was exactly why irate skaters, coaches and fans were forced to sit around waiting for the ice to be prepared. It seems that in their zeal to be “environmentally friendly,” the Vancouver Olympic Committee decided to replace the familiar and decades-proven propane-fueled ice-resurfacers, known to ice-sport fans worldwide as Zambonis, with a prototype electric model.
And, as with most business decisions clouded by liberal pressure to “go green,” this turned out to be a bad one.
On Sunday, the women’s 3,000-meter was delayed when one if the green machines dumped water and snow 20-meters from the inside lane’s finishing line. But that was a minor inconvenience compared to Monday, when complaints that the eco-friendly machines had left a huge puddle and visible grooves in the ice brought the proceedings to a crashing halt.
Dutch national team coach Wopke de Vegt was among those complaining even prior to these mishaps that the electric resurfacers were simply unable to keep the ice consistent from one day to the next. Who can blame him? How can champions be crowned or records be booked when the playing field is anything short of even?
Explained chief ice-maker Mark Messer in a Canadian Press interview:
''It's a prototype machine. You're always going to get a few bumps and bruises. It's just unfortunate that it happened this time.''
Unfortunate? Surely other words come to mind when the decision is made to depend upon untested technology for the sole purpose of bolstering the silly green agenda. Particularly for such a momentous event attended by over 80 countries and viewed by tens of millions worldwide daily.
Fortunately, following the 500-meter debacle, the inanity finally sunk in and priorities were quickly realigned. Yesterday, Venue Operations Manager Magnus Enfeldt made the decision to “take the necessary steps” to save the remaining skating events by rushing one of those “environmentally unfriendly” yet ever-faithful gas-powered Zambonis in from Calgary post-haste.
Of course, there’s a lesson to be learned here about replacing time-proven demand-meeting energy technologies with those fueled exclusively by quixotic fantasy.
Unfortunately, such edification will no doubt be lost on those most desperately in need of it.
Page Printed from:
at February 17, 2010 - 02:32:08 PM CST
Reply #196 on:
February 18, 2010, 08:00:34 AM »
About the only point I see, is that the olympics require reliability, "prototypes" are not a satisfactory solution. All the rest is polisci.
Edited to try and make myself clearer.
Last Edit: February 18, 2010, 09:29:48 AM by Rarick
Reply #197 on:
February 18, 2010, 08:54:58 AM »
I guess, though the headset that leads to this sort of decision making ought to encompass a poli-sci category all its own.
Reply #198 on:
March 02, 2010, 11:55:36 AM »
Reply #199 on:
March 03, 2010, 08:11:19 AM »
Can't read it-- too small.
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