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Author Topic: Humor/WTF  (Read 67299 times)
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #250 on: December 23, 2010, 11:24:19 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
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jcordova
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« Reply #251 on: December 23, 2010, 10:21:45 PM »

LOL!!!! grin
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CanisLatrans
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« Reply #252 on: December 24, 2010, 09:11:40 PM »

There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
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Beep Beep
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« Reply #253 on: January 17, 2011, 04:01:24 PM »

Some of these are more creepy than funny but the 'Marker Bandits' definitely get my vote Smiley

Mug Shot Hall of Fame

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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #254 on: January 27, 2011, 12:14:34 PM »

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate  from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a  nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile  dysfunction. After
being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
 
'This is a  powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
 
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?" 
 
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,  the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
 
He was very  eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of  the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom. When she  came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the  manliest of men.
 
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
 
And that, my  friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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ccp
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« Reply #255 on: January 27, 2011, 05:25:19 PM »

My opinion of Sarah just skyrocketed with this: grin

****For Palin, Obama's 'Winning the Future' phrase is WTF
07:50 AMYahoo! BuzzShare
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By David Jackson, USA TODAY
Sarah Palin rips President Obama's new slogan, Winning the Future.
CAPTIONBy VALERIE MACON, AFP/Getty ImagesPresident Obama's new slogan is "Winning the Future."


To Sarah Palin, it's "WTF."

Palin used the acronym at least three times last night in discussing Obama's State of the Union speech on Fox News. WTF is also a phone text-driven phrase used to avoid spelling out the f word; it stands for "what the (blank)."

"There were a lot of WTF moments through that speech," the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate told Fox's Greta Van Susteren.

Palin used the phrase in reference to Obama's discussion of the federal debt, and his claim that the U.S. faces a "Sputnik moment" when it comes to technology and innovation challenges from other countries.

Palin also discussed fellow Tea Party favorite Rep. Michele Bachmann, which you can read about on our OnPolitics blog.

Obama used variations of "Winning the Future" several times throughout his speech. At one point, he said: "If we want to win the future -- if we want innovation to produce jobs in America and not overseas -- then we also have to win the race to educate our kids."



The president, by the way, isn't the first politician to use the phrase "Winning the Future."




Palin's fellow Republican Newt Gingrich entitled one of his books Winning The Future: A 21st Century Contract With America.


Palin also said that rather that Sputnik, the nation should declare "a spudnut moment," referring to the name of a Washington state coffee shop: "A family-owned business not looking for government to bail them out and to make their decisions for them. It's just hard-working, patriotic Americans in this shop."****

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ccp
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« Reply #256 on: February 02, 2011, 10:54:32 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKf2LBgsuqQ
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #257 on: February 16, 2011, 12:43:16 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU8TbLza3qY
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ccp
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« Reply #258 on: March 12, 2011, 12:33:20 PM »

Yogi Berra is also well known for his pithy comments and witticisms, known as Yogiisms. Yogiisms very often take the form of either an apparently obvious tautology, or a paradoxical contradiction.

[edit] Examples
As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half mental."[18]
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."[19]
"It ain't over till it's over." In July 1973, when Berra's Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East; the Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.[20]
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."[21]
On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."[22]
"It's déjà vu all over again". Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s.[23]
"You can observe a lot by watching."[24]
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."[25]
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."[26]
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #259 on: March 30, 2011, 03:12:00 PM »

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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #260 on: April 01, 2011, 08:48:50 PM »

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011
Star Wars Prequels Unreasonably Dangerous and Defective, South Carolina Federal Court Finds
Although though we were perplexed to see a federal court address the issue, we can't say we disagree with today's opinion from the U.S. District Court for the Western District of South Carolina, which found that the three Star Wars prequels were "unreasonably dangerous and defective" as a matter of law. See Kurtz v. George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd., and Indus. Light & Magic, No. 2011-1138-THX (W.D.S.C. April 1, 2011). After hearing cross motions for summary judgment, the court denied the Lucas Defendants' motion for summary judgment and granted the Plaintiff's motion finding no genuine issue of material fact as to the films' defects.

The facts were these: In 2007, Plaintiff Danny Kurtz found himself at his local video store in Seneca, South Carolina browsing through the racks of new DVDs. His young seven year old son, Milo, pleaded with his father to buy him some action movies. Dutifully acquiescing to the request, Plaintiff bought him the prequels: 1999's The Phantom Menace, 2002's Attack of the Clones, and 2005's Revenge of Sith. At the time of the purchase, neither the Plaintiff nor his son had seen the films. ("Somehow, I made it through the last decade without seeing those movies," the Plaintiff testified at his deposition, although he later acknowledged his familiarity with the films' generally poor reviews.). Although the purchase was "against his better judgment," he relented only because of the joy he felt his child might experience in being introduced to the Star Wars universe, a delight the Plaintiff recalled from his own youth in the early 1980s. After a marathon weekend viewing of all three prequels, the Plaintiff and his son experienced nausea, confusion, light-headnesses, shortness of breath, tinnitus, and a "foreboding sense of ennui."

Plaintiff brought suit individually and on behalf of his minor son against George Lucas and several corporations, asserting various tort theories, including negligence and strict products liability. Plaintiff also asserted a novel "tortious interference with childhood memory" cause of action on his own behalf, arguing that the release of the prequels had destroyed his ability to reminisce his own younger days and his youthful enjoyment of popular culture. (The alienation of affection claims of Plaintiff's spouse, Carrie, were settled for an undisclosed sum.).

In their joint answer, the Lucas Defendants asserted the affirmative defenses of contributory negligence, assumption of risk, unclean hands, and equitable estoppel, essentially arguing that Plaintiff knew or should have known of the films' lack of artistic merit and was thus barred from asserting any tort claims based upon his viewing of same. See In re: The Last Airbender, 523 F. Supp. 2d. 147 (N.D. Ga. 2010); In re: Ishtar Litig., 111 F.2d 102 (9th Cir. 1988).

In denying the defense motion for summary judgment, the court rejected the Defendants' reliance on In re: Bob Dylan Live Performance Litig., 867 F.3d 539 (S.D.N.Y 2006), in which that court held that a once talented artist can devolve and become so well known in the community as a disappointment that damages are not recoverable as a matter of law. See also Shyamalan v. United States, 543 F.3d 129 (6th Cir. 2008). In distinguishing Dylan, the South Carolina court observed that while Bob Dylan's decline had been gradual over a period of years, the decay of the Star Wars franchise was sudden and immediate (and preceded by nearly two decades of engendered good will prior to the prequels' release in 1999).

The court then granted the Plaintiff's motion for summary judgment, noting in a single paragraph order that the films were "unreasonably dangerous and defective as a matter of law."

The case is also notable for a few other procedural rulings made by the court:
The court quashed the Defendants' deposition subpoena to actress Natalie Portman, who the court decided had "already suffered enough."

Finding the issue nonjusticiable and incapable of resolution by the judiciary, the court denied Plaintiff's request to issue a declaration that Han Solo had, in fact, shot first.

Earlier in the case, the court had dismissed Plaintiff's state law Unfair Trade Practices Act claim which was premised upon the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker in the second and third prequels. In so doing, the court noted that the Unfair Trade Practices Act claim was merely an attempt to assert an improper negligent casting cause of action, a claim which the South Carolina Supreme Court had only last year abrogated in the Watchmen litigation. See Moore v. Snyder, 572 S.E.2d 492, 652 S.C. 19 (2009).

The court denied the Defendants' request to consolidate the case with a similar North Carolina matter arising from a Charlotte family's viewing of 2008's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

http://www.abnormaluse.com/2011/04/star-wars-prequels-unreasonably.html
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G M
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« Reply #261 on: April 01, 2011, 09:14:14 PM »

If "episode I" was the first movie, it would have been the last.
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #262 on: April 06, 2011, 11:07:39 PM »

Your tax dollars at work :
Department of Defense (DOD) employees moving into a new building this fall may start their days walking past a sculpture of a toad with a ten-foot fairy on its back. Federal facilities have never been renowned for their challenging public art, but critics have gone on the offensive since it was revealed that the piece, one of four finalists for the site’s installation, would cost $400,000-$600,000 and would be viewed largely by the same group of about 2,500 employees each day.
Granting that the psychic value of seeing a toad with a ten-foot fairy on its back on a daily basis on the nation’s security is incalculable, the price seems a tad high.
The story seems to have started circling in late March, and this version of the story at US News  makes me wonder if it’s not some bizarre April Fool’s joke:
A $600,000 frog sculpture that lights up, gurgles “sounds of nature” and carries a 10-foot fairy girl on its back could soon be greeting Defense Department employees who plan to start working at the $700 million Mark Center in Alexandria, Va. this fall.
But the Alexandria News , which broke the story March 30th, was still running stories on this April 2.
Via Christian Bleuer, who quips, “To be fair to the DoD, giants toads being ridden by fairies are probably more deploy-able than the F-22″


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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #263 on: April 25, 2011, 10:52:25 AM »

Don't know where else to put this. POV vids of a guy surviving an avalanche and the gear that let him do so:

http://www.trailspace.com/blog/2011/04/25/video-airbag-avalanche.html
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DougMacG
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« Reply #264 on: April 25, 2011, 11:47:31 AM »

BBG, Amazing life saving device, but don't get over-confident up there! 
--------------

Switching subjects with no smooth transition...

With Clapper (our limited intelligence director) and Kloppenburg (Wisc supreme court candidate) in the news, it may be time to revisit the Clapper Caper with Jack Webb and Johnny Carson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4pWBJiW0Xpo
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #265 on: April 25, 2011, 05:37:04 PM »

The "Survival" thread would seem like a good choice smiley
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #266 on: April 26, 2011, 10:17:01 PM »

BREAKING–Scientific discovery may disprove Planck Time
Humor
Must Credit Sharp as a Marble

Bayard WY – Using recent advances in imaging technology, researchers have claimed that new data indicates measurements of time may exist below the Planck Time. The Planck Length (ℓP) is the scale at which classical ideas about gravity and space-time break down and the distance a photon can travel 1ℓP in a complete vacuum is considered the smallest unit of time that has any meaning.

Research Scientist Ken Uheerme who lead the project said in a prepared statement “We have reason to believe, after pouring through recent events and volumes of data, that there exists a span of time shorter than the Planck Time that is clearly measurable and has meaning. Where we used to consider 10-43 seconds as the shortest time span possible, it has come to our attention that the time between a tragic event and the media blaming that event on Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, or the Tea Party is considerably shorter.

“Using some of the latest in Twitter and YouTube technology, we can compensate for the lag in digital signal and the time for propagation and it is clear that the instant desire to blame the ‘other side’ for any horrific event is not instantaneous as we once thought but rather delayed by 10-76 seconds of time.”

Uheerme coined this measurement as “Median Blame Time” as he said there may be even shorter timeframes that cannot be measured due to limits in technology and the delay time built into CNN and MSNBC’s brodcasts.

Scientists conclude that if these new findings are correct, they will have implications on the field of quantum mechanics and how they relate to the 24 hour news cycle and the blogosphere. “Clearly, we will have to reconsider our calculations in light of this new data, “ claimed Rod Dungsly, lead researcher at Moregood Community College. “Previously, the technology available to us didn’t let us measure such short periods of time, but that was before Sarah Palin. The original measurement of Blaming Bush was roughly 10-40 seconds, well within the bounds of Planck Time.”

Not everyone is convinced of the findings though. Marshall Wiznowsky, a nationally renowned theoretical physicist, claims that causality may be the culprit. “It is generally considered that every event has a cause, but in this instance, the blame may have already been assigned before the event takes place. The delay may only be in perception of how fast the talking heads on TV can assign it, not how fast they came to to conclusion that the swarthy, Middle Eastern looking man in the turban yelling “Die you infidel pigs!! ALLAH AKBHAR!” with the machine gun was clearly a member of the Tea Party who listens to Rush Limbaugh.”

Members of the Main Stream Media could not be reached for comment as they were already covering a tragedy that should happen next week.

http://blog.robballen.com/2011/01/10/p4513-breakingscientific-discovery-may-disprove-planck.post
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JDN
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« Reply #267 on: April 29, 2011, 11:40:06 AM »

They can't be serious so it must be humor.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/04/29/animal-academics-using-the-word-pet-insults-your-pet-er-companion/?hpt=T2
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DougMacG
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« Reply #268 on: April 29, 2011, 12:44:46 PM »

Sorry JDN, but I believe that piece was serious.  I see people treat their pet the way the wish they could treat their spouse, endless commands, scolding, even obedience school!  It is a companion not a pet and as a living thing, it is your equal. (That is what I think they are saying.)  National pet (whoops companion) health insurance is next.  (We already have pet protections that far exceed those for a certain class of human life.)
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #269 on: May 02, 2011, 10:36:41 AM »

Fail:

http://www.theledger.com/article/20110429/NEWS/110429290/0/news01
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G M
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« Reply #270 on: June 29, 2011, 02:31:51 PM »

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2008161/Ghostly-mirage-appears-river-Huanshan-City-China.html

Ghostly apparition of entire city appears over Chinese river... but is it just a mirage?


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2008161/Ghostly-mirage-appears-river-Huanshan-City-China.html
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ccp
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« Reply #271 on: July 14, 2011, 02:55:25 PM »

BROCK at alah add annoy
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #272 on: July 29, 2011, 11:20:06 PM »


Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C , an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
 
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
 
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views.
 
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
 
As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
 
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
 
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.  Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. 
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.  She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.  She also has a reputation for shirking her representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."
 
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."
 
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #273 on: August 07, 2011, 04:16:08 PM »

Economist who forecasts state finances filed for bankruptcy

David Berns



Economic Forum Chairman John Restrepo listens to gloomy forecasts for the Nevada economy during a January 2010 hearing at the Legislature.


The economist who helps predict how much money state government can expect to fund its budget has declared personal bankruptcy, telling the Sun he didn't foresee his own financial meltdown.

John M. Restrepo, chairman of the five-member State Economic Forum, filed for bankruptcy protection in November, citing $905,000 in debt and $360,000 in assets.

In the wake of his filing, Restrepo had to complete an Internet course on personal financial management offered by a nonprofit consumer credit counseling agency.

Restrepo's bankruptcy, triggered by the collapse of his Las Vegas consulting business, symbolizes the depth of the recession in Southern Nevada, which has hit blue-collar and white-collar workers alike and has also struck the state's government and corporate elite.

"I guess like all of us, who could have predicted the depth of this recession?" Restrepo said Friday. "We knew there was (an economic) correction coming. I saved some money for a recession but not for the depth of this depression in Southern Nevada and the impact it had on our clients and our company. I tried to do the best I can to continue to pay off all of the smaller local vendors I can."

Despite his personal bankruptcy, Restrepo's company, Restrepo Consulting Group LLC, remains in operation and continues to produce economic forecasts and market studies for state and local governments as well as developers and casino operators. He said demand for consultants declined with the recession as his two main clients during his 22 years in Southern Nevada -- government and the development industry -- no longer needed his services.

"Our revenues were dramatically impacted because those firms haven't used us anymore because nothing's being developed, and the budget cuts of state and local governments have cut back dramatically on the use of consultants," Restrepo said.

He reported average monthly income of $3,505.88, according to the November court filing. His spouse, Elvira Gaensslen, lists her occupation for the past three years as a real estate agent. She reported average monthly income of $4,468.95 for a combined monthly total of $7,974.83 for the couple. They reported average monthly expenses of $8,007.57.

The couple walked away from their 2,522-square-foot home on Via Delores Avenue in Las Vegas, which they purchased for $399,900 in 2007, according to the Clark County Assessor's office. The current value of the couple's interest in the house was listed at $225,000 against a secured claim of $379,500 held by Bank of America, according to the bankruptcy filing.

Restrepo listed debts of $36,972.52 for an American Express business credit card; $27,864.21 for a Chase Visa business credit card; $24,277.55 to Chicago Title Agency, NV Inc. for office rent; $7,163.52 to Office Equipment Finance Services for a copier lease; $121,427.76 on a business loan from SMS Financial; and $225,000 on a note held by his ex-wife and business partner, Nancy Schult, who owned 49 percent of Restrepo Consulting. He is in the process of buying out her share of the company and continues to make spousal support payments.

Restrepo first realized about a year ago that he might have to file for bankruptcy. He tapped into his personal savings and retirement funds to pay employees, depleting both as he hoped the economy would rebound before he was forced to lay off employees. At the height of the economy he had as many as eight employees. Now he has one half-time employee in addition to paying multiple freelance consultants.

Individuals and businesses can file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection, as Restrepo did, which provides a fresh financial start for individuals, although not all debt is wiped off the books. Debt for certain taxes, fraudulently incurred credit card debt, child support and alimony and most student loans must still be repaid. The bankruptcy law that took effect in October 2005 limits Chapter 7 as an option for many Americans: those deemed by a "means test" to have at least $100 a month left over after paying certain debts and expenses will have to file a 5-year repayment plan under the more restrictive Chapter 13.

Nevada led the nation in personal bankruptcy filings with 10.8 per 1,000 people during the 12 months ended March 31, according to U.S. Bankruptcy Court figures. Georgia was second with 8.9 filings per every 1,000. Most business and nonbusiness bankruptcies in the 12 months ended March 31 were Chapter 7 liquidations, according to the court.

Terms of the bankruptcy resolution required Restrepo to undergo debt counseling, which he received from Consumer Credit Counseling Services of Southern Nevada, according to the court filing. In December, he received a certificate of debtor education for completing a Internet course on personal financial management offered by Consumer Credit Counseling Service of Nevada and Utah.

"In a really weird way (bankruptcy has) given me a deep appreciation of what many small businesses have gone through considering the depth and breadth of this recession," said Restrepo, noting that his company has not missed any payments to local vendors and subcontractors. "Understanding the struggles of these small businesses has helped me understand what it's going to take for these small businesses to recover. It's really related to small business job growth. That's all folded into my forecasting."
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DougMacG
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« Reply #274 on: August 09, 2011, 11:47:25 PM »

Satire from Wikileaks twitter feed
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DougMacG
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« Reply #275 on: August 16, 2011, 08:39:23 PM »

The recession has hit everybody really hard...
(Maybe this could have gone under Economics)

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the debt ceiling, the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Rachel
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« Reply #276 on: August 25, 2011, 09:53:50 AM »

Inbread Cat





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G M
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« Reply #277 on: August 27, 2011, 02:26:34 PM »

Inbread Cat







The Japanese make strange sandwiches!
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Rachel
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« Reply #278 on: August 27, 2011, 10:08:36 PM »




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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #279 on: September 05, 2011, 07:43:55 PM »


The normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o) Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers \./\./And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.). We love them all!. Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(•_•)┌П┐ to breast cancer. Save the boobies !!!
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ccp
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« Reply #280 on: September 24, 2011, 02:24:53 PM »

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012&w=160&h=140&imgurl=www.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&size=&name=search&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&p=guinness+world+records+2012&type=&no=1&tt=114&oid=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fimages%2Fthumbnail.aspx%3Fq%3D1281134494454%26id%3D8cbbeaaa853f25cfd5234c469777c6ca&tit=Stunning+Guinness+World+Records+2012+%7C+2ArtVille.com&sigr=16kmn2dvq&sigi=16dgoe8a1&sigb=125fmjdom&fr=yfp-t-701
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« Reply #281 on: September 24, 2011, 03:04:49 PM »

She should try out for that TV show "The L word".
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« Reply #282 on: October 31, 2011, 11:16:52 AM »

http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/
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G M
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« Reply #283 on: November 30, 2011, 11:12:08 AM »

**Patrice was one of my favorite current comics. A really sharp mind, brutally funny.

Patrice O'Neal dead at 41; comic had suffered a stroke in October


 November 29, 2011 |  1:15pm

Comedian Patrice O'Neal died Tuesday morning from complications of a stroke he suffered on Oct. 19. "Many of us have lost a close and loved friend," his rep said in confirming the news. "All of us have lost a true comic genius."
 
The veteran New York-based stand-up comic was 41.
 
O'Neal was a familiar face on Comedy Central -- getting a lot of attention during his ribald turn (that means watch out for the cuss words if you click) on "The Roast of Charlie Sheen" in September -- as well as a frequent guest on the "Opie & Anthony" radio show.
 
The radio show broke the news in late October that O'Neal, a diabetic, had suffered a stroke the previous week.
 
"One of a kind. In heaven right now, charming half and infuriating half, then reversing," tweeted Colin Quinn, host of Comedy Central's defunct "Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn," which had regularly featured O'Neal.
 
Fellow comic and close friend Jim Norton posted a picture of himself and O'Neal online Tuesday, captioning it, "I couldn't possibly love a friend more than I love you. Goodbye brother."
 
"Yes it's true that our pal Patrice O'Neal has passed away," Opie and Anthony said via Twitter. "The funniest and best thinker i've ever known PERIOD. #devastated." The show posted a video link on its Facebook page, sending people to what they called O'Neal's "greatest laugh ever."
 
The 6-foot-5 O'Neal reportedly got his first taste of stand-up at Estelle's in Boston when he was heckling a comic who then invited him to come onstage and see if he could better. "The following week he went on stage at Estelle's and brought down the house," according to his Comedy Central bio.
 
His final performance was at the Charlie Sheen roast.
 
"Patrice had that rare 'light' around him and inside of him," the actor said Tuesday via Twitter. "I only knew him for the few days leading up the roast. Yet I will forever be inspired by his nobility, his grace and his epic talent. My tears today are for the tremendous loss to his true friends and loving family."
 
O'Neal is survived by his wife Vondecarlo, stepdaughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder and mother Georgia, his rep told TMZ.
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bigdog
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« Reply #284 on: December 07, 2011, 04:15:16 AM »

http://flavorwire.com/238333/mustaches-make-the-man
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #285 on: December 14, 2011, 11:29:32 AM »

My sense of humor is pretty warped, but this had me snickering pretty good:

http://kenthomas.us/?p=408
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bigdog
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« Reply #286 on: December 15, 2011, 12:32:03 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKaIlT_lK1s
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #287 on: December 16, 2011, 07:58:47 AM »

BBG, that racoon story is a crack up.  cheesy
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #288 on: January 07, 2012, 01:56:44 PM »

Felon Steals Gun, Accidentally Kills Himself, Estate Sues Owner and Gun Manufacturer
Eugene Volokh • January 6, 2012 10:29 pm

But I’m happy to say that today’s Ryan v. Hughes-Ortiz (Mass. App. Ct. Jan. 6, 2012) throws out the lawsuit:

In November, 2001, [Charles] Milot was released on probation from the Billerica house of correction after an incarceration of about eighteen months. [Thomas] Hughes testified in his deposition that he helped Milot to get reestablished by loaning him a small amount of money and giving him odd jobs to do around his house. [During the pendency of this action, Hughes died, and his daughter, Hughes-Ortiz, was substituted as a party defendant.] Hughes knew Milot through Milot’s sister, Deborah McConologue, and her husband, whom Hughes had known for twenty years. Hughes was aware of Milot’s history of substance abuse, prior depression, and the loss of Milot’s driver’s license.

In his deposition, Hughes testified that he owned several firearms that he stored in a chest in a second-floor bedroom. The bedroom was kept locked and had been outfitted with barred windows. Hughes testified that he kept the keys to this bedroom in a vase on top of the fireplace.

One of the firearms that Hughes owned was a Glock pistol. Hughes purchased the Glock pistol and its storage container in 2000 from the widow of a former Boston police officer. Hughes testified in his deposition that he stored the unloaded pistol as well as its magazine in its storage container in a chest drawer in the same bedroom where his other guns were stored....

In her deposition testimony, McConologue reported that, at a family event held on February 23, 2002, Milot showed her two handguns and two loose cartridges ... [and] told her that he got them from Hughes’s house. She further testified that Milot told her that he found the key in Hughes’s house for the locked bedroom door, unlocked the door, and found the guns, ultimately taking them from Hughes’s home. McConologue testified that she advised her brother to call Hughes and return the pistols to him, that Milot did not want to tell Hughes that he had taken the guns, but that Milot agreed to put them back the way he had found them.

On February 25, 2002, Hughes picked up Milot around 7:00 A.M. and brought Milot to his house. Once they were at Hughes’s house, Hughes showed Milot the front doorbell that he wanted Milot to repair. Hughes then left his house to run some errands, returning to check on Milot’s progress about two hours later. When Hughes returned home, he found Milot’s body covered with blood in the front doorway of his home. The police and an ambulance were called and upon their arrival, Milot was pronounced dead. An autopsy was performed, and it was determined that Milot had suffered a gunshot wound to his left thigh which severed the femoral artery and caused Milot to bleed to death.... Police speculated that “[a]pparently the victim was attempting to put the gun back in the container when the round was fired, striking the victim in the upper left leg.... The victim apparently walked out of the bedroom, down the front stairs, into the living room, used the telephone and walked to the front door where he collapsed and died.” ...


Milot, through an affirmative act of theft in violation of G.L. c. 266, § 30, stole a firearm from the home of Hughes, the owner, who had placed trust in him. We conclude that public policy dictates that Milot’s criminal conduct acts as a bar to recovery. See, e.g., Flanagan v. Baker, 35 Mass.App.Ct. 444, 448–449 (1993) (“A ‘burglar who breaks his leg while descending the cellar stairs, due to the failure of the owner to replace a missing step’ ... could be denied recovery for public policy considerations”); Driscoll v. Board of Trustees of Milton Academy, 70 Mass.App.Ct. 285, 291–292 (2007) (student who committed statutory rape violated the law as well as “social values and customs” and “may not recover in tort against the school for his own sexual misconduct”)....

Our conclusion is further buttressed by Restatement (Second) of Torts, and Milot’s criminal acts — stealth of the pistol, and violation of 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(1) (2006), which bars the possession of firearms and ammunition by convicted felons.... Milot’s actions constitute the sort of conduct described in Restatement (Second) of Torts § 889 comment b (1977), whereby a plaintiff is “barred from recovery for harm caused by violation of [a] statute ... [where] the harm resulted from a risk of the type against which the statute was intended to give protection.” See § 889 comment b, supra, illustration 5.... n enacting the Gun Control Act of 1968 (which includes 18 U.S.C. § 922[g][1], of which Milot was in violation), Congress sought to “curb crime by keeping ‘firearms out of the hands of those not legally entitled to possess them because of age, criminal background, or incompetency.’ In order to accomplish this goal, Congress obviously determined that firearms must be kept away from persons, such as those convicted of serious crimes, who might be expected to misuse them.” See also Barrett v. United States, 423 U.S. 212, 218 (1976) (“Congress ... sought broadly to keep firearms away from the persons Congress classified as potentially irresponsible and dangerous”)....

The plaintiff brought claims of breach of the implied warranty of merchantability, negligence, wrongful death, and unfair and deceptive acts and practices against Glock.... The judge granted summary judgment on all claims after finding that the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act, 15 U.S.C. §§ 7901–7903 (2006) (PLCAA or Act) barred the plaintiff’s claims against Glock....

The plaintiff alleges that the Glock pistol and gun case “were defective because the [gun] case caused the loaded Glock ... pistol ... to discharge through the case and because the pistol was likely to discharge unintendedly” and that “Glock so negligently and carelessly designed the Glock Model 17 pistol and storage case ... that the pistol discharged into the Decedent’s body mortally wounding the Decedent.” The plaintiff’s claims of breach of the implied warranty of merchantability and design defect are thus based on the interaction between the Glock pistol and the gun case. We now consider whether the claims, as formulated by the plaintiff, are barred by the PLCAA....

[The PLCAA presumptively bars “any] civil action or proceeding ... brought by any person against a manufacturer ... of a qualified product, ... for damages, punitive damages, ... abatement, restitution, fines, or penalties, or other relief, resulting from the criminal or unlawful misuse of a qualified product by the person or a third party....” ... The parties do not dispute that the Glock pistol is a “firearm” and therefore a “qualified product” under the PLCAA .... [Plaintiff argues that] the gun case is not a qualified product, and thus the PLCAA does not bar her suit against Glock[, but a]s this argument was not made in the trial court in the first instance, the argument is waived. We express no opinion as to whether the PLCAA would preclude or permit a future plaintiff to bring claims involving the interaction between qualified and nonqualified products.

The final element of the definition of a “qualified civil liability action” is that the civil action “result[ed] from the criminal or unlawful misuse of a qualified product by the person or a third party.” The Act defines “unlawful misuse” to mean “conduct that violates a statute, ordinance, or regulation as it relates to the use of a qualified product.” The plaintiff argues that “[t]he PLCAA is inapplicable because there was no evidence supporting the conclusion that the gun was misused, whether criminally, unlawfully or otherwise.” ... [But] in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(1), Milot possessed a firearm and ammunition after having been convicted of a felony. Since the civil action at issue here resulted from Milot’s possession of the Glock pistol, which constituted “criminal or unlawful misuse” due to Milot’s prior felony conviction, this is a “qualified civil liability action.” ...

http://volokh.com/2012/01/06/felon-steals-gun-accidentally-kills-himself-estate-sues-owner-and-gun-manufacturer/
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« Reply #289 on: July 13, 2012, 12:40:28 PM »

Higgs Boson goes to Catholic church, and the Priest tells him that he is not wanted. Higgs Boson says that the Priest must be mistaken, as there won't be a Mass without him.
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CanisLatrans
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« Reply #290 on: July 13, 2012, 01:47:10 PM »

While  suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck  up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got  around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said,  'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'.
Not being familiar  with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post
turtle'  was.

The  old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country  road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a  'post
turtle'. Have you ever seen one?

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the  doctor's face so he continued
to  explain:

"You know  he didn't get up there by himself,
                    he doesn't belong up there,
                    he  doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
                    he's elevated beyond  his ability to function, and    
                     you just wonder what kind of dumb jerk  put him up
                        there to begin with."
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Beep Beep
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« Reply #291 on: September 29, 2012, 05:02:59 PM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=YnBvfVJu8-U&feature=endscreen
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C-Yo Dog
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« Reply #292 on: October 01, 2012, 11:14:37 PM »

Suppose this could go in the martial arts section but I did say WTF when they pulled out the cucumber.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcv381pDS4w&feature=player_embedded
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Stickgrappler
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"...grappling happens. It just does." - Top Dog


« Reply #293 on: October 11, 2012, 09:12:00 AM »

Suppose this could go in the martial arts section but I did say WTF when they pulled out the cucumber.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcv381pDS4w&feature=player_embedded

Woof C-Yo Dog,

yikes! thx!

----------------------------




A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?’

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says  happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, ' Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when
I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra.  Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old
you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am
I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could
you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'






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"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #294 on: October 14, 2012, 10:53:47 PM »

"So I'm at Tesco buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard."
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Body-by-Guinness
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« Reply #295 on: October 31, 2012, 06:32:13 PM »

Blaze kills Saudi Arabia wedding guests

Women and children perish in Eastern Province after celebratory gunfire brings down power line, local media say.

Last Modified: 31 Oct 2012 12:33


Women and children perished in Tuesday night's fire in Ain Badr village of Eastern Province.
 
At least 25 people have been killed by electric shock in a wedding in eastern Saudi Arabia, civil defence officials and local media say.

Celebratory gunfire brought down an electric cable at a house in Ain Badr village where the wedding was held on Tuesday night, Abdullah Khashman, an Eastern Province official, said.

Thirty others were injured in the incident near Abqaiq, a centre of the Saudi energy industry.

Some Saudi media reports said the blaze erupted inside a tent, killing at least 23 women and children. The kingdom's conservative codes require genders to be separated at most public events, including weddings.

The media cited civil defence officials as saying that celebratory gunfire brought down a power line that touched off the fire.

However, Reuters news agency quoted Khashman as saying: "At the wedding, the cable fell on a metal door and the 23 people who died were all electrocuted."

The victims were reportedly trying to escape through the door, the only exit from the courtyard, when they were killed.

All those killed were from the same tribe, Khashman said.

Saudi Arabia last month banned the shooting of firearms at weddings, a popular tradition in tribal areas of the country.

Prince Mohammed bin Fahd, Eastern Province's governor, ordered an investigation into the incident, the official Saudi Press Agency reported.

In July 1999, 76 people died in a similar incident in the Eastern Province.

Forty-three women and children were killed at a wedding in neighbouring Kuwait in 2009 when a fire engulfed a tent.

The ex-wife of the groom said she started the fire to avenge her former husband's "bad treatment" of her.

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/middleeast/2012/10/2012103192352586941.html
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DougMacG
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« Reply #296 on: November 27, 2012, 11:41:59 AM »

An apparently true news story?  Should go in self defense / DLO threads:

http://www.yourjewishnews.com/Pages/24114.aspx

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-tried-to-kill-boyfriend-with-dd-1450638

"I wanted your death to be as pleasant as possible."
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #297 on: November 27, 2012, 10:50:53 PM »

http://blogs.seattletimes.com/today/2012/11/king5-alligators-found-guarding-olympia-marijuana-grow/
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #298 on: December 03, 2012, 03:55:00 PM »

Ten years ago we had..........

Steve Jobs
Bob Hope
Johnny Cash



Now, we have...............

No jobs
No hope
No cash
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #299 on: December 05, 2012, 03:16:55 PM »

Hospital Chart Bloopers
1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (That is one extensive examination!)

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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