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Author Topic: Humor/WTF  (Read 66301 times)
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #300 on: December 12, 2012, 10:38:30 AM »

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #301 on: January 10, 2013, 10:45:04 AM »

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some shotgun loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There, for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."
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Stickgrappler
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"...grappling happens. It just does." - Top Dog


« Reply #302 on: April 12, 2013, 01:08:53 PM »

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"A good stickgrappler has good stick skills, good grappling, and good stickgrappling and can keep track of all three simultaneously. This is a good trick and can be quite effective." - Marc "Crafty Dog" Denny
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #303 on: May 28, 2013, 10:09:28 PM »

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a
very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display
rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such
an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny
little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my
energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life
and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the
ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!”
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #304 on: June 19, 2013, 07:19:28 PM »

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375
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ccp
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« Reply #305 on: June 20, 2013, 11:06:47 PM »

Conversation between Chris Matthews,  Eugene Robinson, and Howard Fineman.   I laughed my head off reading this so therefore I felt it belonged in this thread:

*****MSNBC: Obama and Merkel Are the New 'Ronnie and Maggie'; Matthews Sees Conspiracy to Push Hillary 2016

Published: 6/19/2013 6:22 PM ET

to Scott Whitlock

By Scott Whitlock

MSNBC's Chris Matthews and his liberal guest on Wednesday thrilled over the relationship between Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Washington Post writer Eugene Robinson even compared them to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher: "I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie...They can be kind of a dynamic duo." (Of course, Reagan and Thatcher oversaw huge economic recoveries and the end of the Cold War.) [MP3 audio here.]

Highlighting Obama's speech in Germany, Matthews saw a secret plan to promote Hillary Clinton. After mentioning Thatcher, plus other famous female leaders, he wondered "whether this partnership between our president...isn't that a leading indicator?" Matthews theorized, "I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in."

One detail Matthews and Robinson did not harp on: In 2008, Obama's Berlin speech drew 400,000. In 2013, the President managed a mere 4,500.

A partial transcript of the June 19 segment follows:

5:03

[On the relationship between Barack Obama and Angela Merkel.]

EUGENE ROBINSON: He has gotten along very well with Merkel. There is a relationship there.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: What is that relationship?

ROBINSON: You know, I wondered about that. I wondered if it isn't what he started with. We don't look like the normal-

HOWARD FINEMAN: Outsiders.

ROBINSON: – They're kind of outsiders. She's from the east. He's She's– He's African-American.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that being from the east is also like a minority.

ROBINSON: Exactly. Exactly. They're both outsiders who are now leading these societies. I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie. I mean, they're kind of– They can be kind of a dynamic duo.

FINEMAN: I feel a column coming on. I feel a column coming on.

MATTHEWS: In other words, the way we used to do it, Reagan would be nice to the queen and to Thatcher and then George senior-- Bush would become friends with Helmut Kohl, sort of the establishment, old boys club. And yet, here he's saying this is not an old boys club. This is something of the outsiders who are now on the inside who should rally the outsiders of the world. He's saying to Germany, "look out for the poor people of the world. Don't just be Germany."

FINEMAN: He's basically saying, look, as I say, the Germans and I've spent a lot of time there. They're very conflicted at best about their own history. They've seen the downside of empire, as well as the glory of it. and the pain and the horror of it. They don't want this necessarily. The German people don't want it. But what the president is saying is, it's okay. Look to your good history.

...
5:09

MATTHEWS: Most of the world leaders in our lifetime– in the last ten million years– have been men. Sometimes we've seen really good women leaders come to fore. Certainly, Golda Meir was fabulous. Right? Certainly, Margaret Thatcher for the British mind, especially, was great, not necessarily for the coal miners but great for the country and its spirit. Certainly Indira Gandhi was a great leader. I'm thinking now whether Angela Merkel is on this level and whether this partnership between our president and her so vividly displayed with the hand over the back, sort of a pal kind of thing going on, isn't that a leading indicator, I think avatar may be appropriate here, of a Hillary Clinton leadership role? I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in.

ROBINSON: That's an interesting way of looking an the it. Gee, maybe if Hillary runs, maybe he'll support her.

MATTHEWS: That's what I'm getting to. Don't you know what I'm getting to? You think Joe Biden likes that picture?
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #306 on: June 24, 2013, 03:42:42 PM »

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
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DougMacG
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« Reply #307 on: June 30, 2013, 11:11:19 PM »

Let ρ=A. Is it possible to extend isomorphisms? We show that D′ is stochastically orthogonal and trivially affine. In [10], the main result was the construction of 𝔭-Cardano, compactly Erdős, Weyl functions. This could shed important light on a conjecture of Conway-d’Alembert.

 - 'The Best Science Pranks Ever Pulled', the one above is a Randomly-Generated Math Paper Accepted by a Math Journal
http://thatsmathematics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/mathgen-1389529747.pdf
http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/random_math_paper_accepted_to_journal.html?state=stop

More links at the links.

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/homemade_nuclear_reactor.html?state=stop

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/dihydrogen_monoxide.html?state=stop
Regular readers are well aware that dihydrogen monoxide -- H2O -- is water. But apparently many residents of Lee County, Florida are not. Just this past April Fools' day, two Florida deejays warned their listeners that dihydrogen monoxide was leaking from faucets across the state. Panic ensued, and the water utility was flooded with calls from concerned citizens, so many, in fact, that they were forced to issue a public statement.

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ccp
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« Reply #308 on: July 19, 2013, 08:56:31 AM »

trust me.  I wouldn't say it to their faces:

http://sports.yahoo.com/photos/ufc-162-silva-vs-weidman-photo-000342189--mma.html
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #309 on: July 29, 2013, 11:07:24 AM »

 http://funnie.st/280728/fully-grown-adults-recreate-their-childhood-photos/
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DougMacG
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« Reply #310 on: August 06, 2013, 12:32:35 PM »

Ammo is getting scarce! But this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.



She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”



I thought for a few seconds and asked,

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2013/08/how-bad-is-the-ammo-shortage-this-bad.php
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bigdog
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« Reply #311 on: September 13, 2013, 11:38:03 AM »

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/12/louis-ck-birthday-23-timeless-truth-bombs_n_3915401.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #312 on: October 23, 2013, 11:03:42 AM »

http://www.fastcoexist.com/3020388/these-high-tech-underwear-keep-your-farts-from-smelling#2
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DougMacG
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« Reply #313 on: November 04, 2013, 12:15:23 PM »

There was a mixup on the Redskins team name controversy.  It turns out that native Americans were actually offending by the first name, 'Washington'(DC), not the 'Redskins'.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #314 on: November 12, 2013, 12:01:32 PM »


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lncwRnV4Gsg&feature=youtu.be
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DougMacG
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« Reply #315 on: December 12, 2013, 10:34:32 AM »

    How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.  - Derrick, age 8

http://dailynewsdig.com/how-do-you-decide-who-to-marry-written-by-kids/
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #316 on: January 09, 2014, 02:53:49 PM »

http://www.thrillon.com/tag/looks-like-fun--5
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ccp
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« Reply #317 on: January 12, 2014, 11:55:20 AM »

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/01/10/another-wild-price-is-right-clip-thats-sure-to-go-viral-and-it-involves-a-major-tumble-and-tackle/
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #318 on: January 22, 2014, 07:39:43 PM »

http://wncy.com/blogs/charlis-angles/119/this-may-be-the-best-commercialeverway-to-go-footlocker/
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bigdog
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« Reply #319 on: May 13, 2014, 07:29:08 AM »

Pretty amusing:

http://deadstate.org/here-are-31-of-the-most-ironic-moments-ever-caught-on-camera/
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DougMacG
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« Reply #320 on: May 13, 2014, 09:22:37 AM »


Very funny!
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #321 on: May 23, 2014, 10:24:10 AM »



http://digitaldeconstruction.com/meet-balls-disturbing-testicular-cancer-mascot/#.U39nuIWwUpl
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