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Author Topic: Humor/WTF  (Read 65371 times)
Crafty_Dog
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« on: November 03, 2006, 10:49:09 PM »

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway
through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
« Last Edit: January 11, 2007, 05:21:20 PM by Crafty_Dog » Logged
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2006, 01:53:14 PM »

http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/red/red_player.html

Unintentional humor grin
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2006, 07:14:51 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2006, 01:25:09 AM »

Apparently a true story:
==============

Flatulence, not turbulence forces plane landing in Nashville

Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.

The passengers and five crew members were brought off the plane, together with all the luggage, to go through security checks again. Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition.

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane.

"American has banned her for a long time," Lowrance said.

She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.

http://www.wbir.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=40210
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2007, 09:52:39 AM »



Remember it takes a college degree to fly a Commercial airplane but
only a High school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly
Routinely in our jobs.


After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"

Which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots

Review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that

Ground crews lack a sense of humor.


Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked

With a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

Engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
never,

Ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding

On something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget
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SB_Mig
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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2007, 03:23:05 PM »

A friend of mine sent me these and I think most are spot on.

A GUIDE TO DEALING WITH DOORMEN AND BOUNCERS

1. Be nice
2. My name is not “Chief,” “Bro,” “Dude,” or “Buddy”
3. Don’t cut in line. That’s like, 2nd Grade etiquette.
4. If you hand me a fake ID, I will do one of the following: a) take it b) laugh at you c) call the cops d) all of the above
5. If you do hand me a fake ID, make sure the description at least matches you. For example, if you are 5’2” with brown hair and the ID says 5’6” with blonde hair, it won’t work.
6. Be Nice
7. Another word on fake Ids: know the information on them. There is nothing more embarrassing than being asked your date of birth and responding with a blank stare.
8. I’ll know when you are lying about your fake ID.
9. Don’t leave the club alone, come back with two friends, and expect me to not remember you came out alone and weren’t “just in there together”.
10. Just because you have a friend inside doesn’t give you the right to cut to the head of the line. Your friend will still be inside when you’re done waiting in line.
11. Don’t be a b-tch/a-hole (see #’s 1 and 6). There is no better way to guarantee that you will wait outside an extra 1/2 in the cold, even if there is no line. Or better yet, not get in at all.
12. If you insist on being a b-tch/a-hole, don’t be surprised if the first unattractive person that walks up behind you gets let in, regardless of the length of the line. It’s called karma.
13. Don’t call me names if you don’t get your way. I don’t come to your job at McDonalds and call you names.
14. If you insist on calling me names, see #11.
15. Be nice.
16. Knowing the owner, bartender, or doorman is not a free pass to get in. Dating the owner, bartender, or doorman is.
17. Don’t ask for the owner, bartender, or doorman with the intention of getting in. There is a good chance that you are the last person they want to see.
18. Upon being rejected for entry, never ask “Do you know who I am?” Chances are I don’t. There’s a better chance that I don’t care. And there’s an even greater chance that I’ll answer “The annoying a-hole who’s holding up the line?”
19. You didn’t forget your ID, you’re underage and don’t have one.
20. Your foreign driver’s license is invalid in the U.S. Just as my U.S. driver’s license means nothing in Turkmenistan.
21. Legal drinking age is 21. I don’t care what it is in Sweden.
22. If I need to explain things more than 3 times, you’re not getting in.
23. Flirting with the doorman is not a free pass to get in to the club. Offering sex to the doorman to get into the club is just gross.
24. Be nice (are we seeing the pattern yet?)
25. Guess what? You are not the only woman in a short skirt and low cut top I’ve seen tonight. The club is full of them. Back of the line.
26. Regarding boobs. I know what they look like, and yours aren’t all that, no matter what your girlfriends say. And from now on you will be known as “the dumb girl who flashed her boobs trying to get in”. Back of the line.
27. Don’t get drunk and hang all over the doorman. It’s just plain embarrassing for you.
28. If I decide to let you in, don’t go grab “a couple of friends” and come back with ten people. Now you look like the a-hole.
29. Why yes, as a matter of fact, it is cold out here. Try wearing more clothes next time.
30. If you are too drunk to stand, talk, or walk, you’re not getting in the door.
31. If I threaten to call the cops and you say, “Go ahead, call them!”, expect to be wearing handcuffs in the next 10-15 minutes. Cops dislike dealing with drunks even more than doormen.
32. Just because she is a female doorperson does not mean she can’t kick your ass. And probably ALL your buddies as well.
33. Four or more guys will never get into the club as a group. Ever. Period.
34. “Can me and my girlfriends get in?”does not mean “Me and my girlfriends and our boyfriends.”
35. “Wow, that’s a long line!” It sure is. You may want to get in it before it gets longer.
36. The amount of time you spend arguing with me about getting in the club is exactly 1/2 the amount of time I will make you wait for arguing with me to get into the club.
37. Be nice.
38. Don’t start fights. That’s what we live for.
39. Yelling at me from across the street does not make you a tough guy. However, it does give you a running start.
40. “Please”, “Thank you”, and “Excuse me” will get you everywhere.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2007, 10:09:07 AM »

LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch......
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2007, 05:21:40 PM »

From correspondents in Johannesburg
January 09, 2007 10:29am
Article from: Agence France-PresseFont size: + -
Send this article: Print Email
A TRADITIONAL circumcision ceremony in South Africa went awry over the weekend when a policeman had his nose bitten off.

The policeman had tried to put paid to an argument between a man and his family during the ceremony in the Eastern Cape province, when the man attacked him, biting off his nose.

The aggrieved policeman then shot the 30-year-old man in the chest, the SAPA news agency reported.

Both are now recovering in hospital.

Circumcision is a rite of passage for some South African boys who go through a lengthy initiation before undergoing the procedure.

 
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ccp
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2007, 09:44:56 PM »

Gross is when the lion slips you the tongue.  Actually I thought lions had very rough tongues that could take your skin off with a lick.  No one's goin to mess with this girl:

http://www.local6.com/slideshow/news/10727020/detail.html?qs=;s=7;w=525 shocked
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2007, 08:15:49 PM »

Hillary and Bill were sitting around trying to figure the best way to get her elected President.  Hillary suggested that they needed to get in touch with middle America to shed her image as a wealthy snob.  They decided to get a Labrador Retriever and get in their car and drive to Iowa.  They arrived in a small town in Iowa and spotted a small bar and grill.  Hillary said that it would be a great place to meet with some common folk and start working on their image.

They went into the bar with the dog and sat at a booth.  The bar tender gave them each a drink and returned to the bar.  A minute later, a customer at the bar got up and went outside.  After a while a farmer came into the bar looked around, saw them sitting there and approached the table.  He didn’t say anything to the Clintons but went over to the dog and lifted his tail and looked at his rear end.  He put the tail down and went over to the bar.  A few minutes later a second then a third then a fourth farmer came over to their table, lifted the dogs tail and looked at his rear end.  Then without saying a word they went over to the bar.

This was too much for the Clintons so Bill went over to the bar and asked the bartender what was going on.  The bartender said that nothing was going on, just that the farmers had heard that there was a dog in the bar with two assholes.
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SB_Mig
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2007, 10:34:42 PM »


A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 4909 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2007, 01:17:02 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iIGUGSd3wE

Medievil tech support
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRjVeRbhtRU
« Last Edit: February 14, 2007, 01:26:52 PM by Crafty_Dog » Logged
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2007, 04:18:21 PM »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070221/...aA0VWDCsJH2ocA
Porn DVD screams prompt sword 'rescue'

Wed Feb 21, 12:53 PM ET


OCONOMOWOC, Wis. - A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.
ADVERTISEMENT
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"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."
According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.
"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"
The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.
The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.
Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.
Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.
"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.
"I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said.
Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.
Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2007, 01:11:15 AM »



 Rules of the Air 
(from Australian Aviation Magazine)

 
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
 
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back,
they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.
 
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
 
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing
you were down here.
 
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
 
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
 
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
 
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after
which they can use the plane again.
 
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them
yourself.
 
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
 
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large
angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
 
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes
earlier.
 
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another
airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that
mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
 
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
you've made.
 
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows
what they are.
 
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to
fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
 
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
 
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all
you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at
all as they should be.
 
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per
hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
 
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes
from bad judgment.
 
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
 
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
 
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to
repeal.
 
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway
behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #14 on: March 10, 2007, 09:06:38 PM »

Man saws house in two in divorce split
German man chain saws house in two in divorce split, takes his half
Reuters
Updated: 11:55 a.m. ET March 10, 2007

BERLIN - A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by chain sawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck.

Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said on Friday the trained mason measured the single-story summer house — which was some 8 meters (26 feet) long and 6 meters wide — before chain sawing through the wooden roof and walls.

"The man said he was just taking his due," said a police spokesman. "But I don't think his wife was too pleased."

After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother's house, where he has since been staying.


Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17545638/?GT1=9145
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argyll
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« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2007, 01:56:47 PM »

The PG cut of 300 ... too funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqiSkd1M6k

Best regards,

Argyll
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #16 on: March 24, 2007, 01:23:37 PM »

 





*LBN-COMMENTARY By Joe Queenan: In one of the most depressing pieces of news to come along in years, the organization that presides over high school sports in Washington State is considering a ban on booing at sporting events. That's right, the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association is evaluating guidelines for fan behavior that would not only prohibit offensive chants but would also outlaw booing. The organization is contemplating this measure not just because of concern that fan negativity is discouraging people from taking jobs as referees and coaches, but because, in the words of Mike Colbrese, the association's executive director, the very concept of booing needs to be re-evaluated. "I don't know why people think it's acceptable to boo in the first place," Mr. Colbrese told The Seattle Post-Intelligencer earlier this month. "It's a pretty novel concept to me." As a native of Philadelphia, a municipality whose passion for booing is unrivaled, I greet this news with a mixture of revulsion and dread. Philadelphia, coyly nicknamed the City of Brotherly Love, has a place in the national mythology as a city whose fans once booed Santa Claus at a Philadelphia Eagles game, a city where locals sometimes boo unsatisfactory airplane landings. Philly fans are famous not only for heaping abuse on visiting players, but for displaying even greater viciousness toward the pathetic home team. The idea that these fans might one day be denied the right to bear their fangs at gridiron Iscariots (former Eagles who now play for the despised Dallas Cowboys) or shriek at overpaid, underachieving Phillies (in other words, the team's current left fielder) is too heartbreaking to contemplate.
 
LBN
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2007, 08:03:28 AM »

>Subject: Miss Black America Contest
>Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2007 22:20:19 -0500
>
>
Since Don Imus started this, and also in keeping with the spirit of Political correctness, I present the
following to you....
>
There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants
to wear the BANNER that says!!


           IDAHO
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #18 on: May 03, 2007, 05:29:44 PM »


'Goat Man' of Sudan Becomes a 'Widower'

Thursday , May 03, 2007

Charles Tombe just may be the world's most unique widower.

The Sudanese man's bizarre story first came to light more than a year ago when a newspaper in his hometown of Juba reported that he had been caught having sexual relations with... a goat.

Tombe was arrested, and later told a Sudanese judge that he was drunk at the time and didn't realize what he'd done.

The judge, however, relying on tribal law, passed judgment and equated Tombe's crime with that of a man caught sleeping with an unmarried girl, who would be ordered to marry her immediately to protect her honor and that of her family.

The judge, therefore ordered Tombe to pay the owner of the goat — named Rose — a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars (about $50 at the time) — and marry the goat.

Hand-and-hoof, the two returned to Tombe's home.

"The idea was to publicly embarrass the man," says Tom Rhodes, editor of the Juba Post, which first ran the story.

Shortly after Tombe brought Rose back to his Juba home, the black-and-white goat gave birth to a male kid.

Villagers, meanwhile, started calling Tombe "The Goat Man," a title he so loathed that he kept to himself, allowing Rose to roam local streets, where it is believed she ate a plastic bag, choked and died this week.

Unlike the Anna Nicole Smith custody battle, however, there's no controversy involving the "couple's" offspring: Tombe gets to keep the kid.
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Dog Robertlk808
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« Reply #19 on: May 03, 2007, 09:41:20 PM »

OK... thats definitely a WTF??  huh
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"You see, it's not the blood you spill that gets you what you want, it's the blood you share. Your family, your friendships, your community, these are the most valuable things a man can have." Before Dishonor - Hatebreed
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #20 on: May 14, 2007, 07:01:13 PM »



A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away
all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our
dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program
that they 've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the
dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he
usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
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Dog Robertlk808
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« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2007, 04:35:10 PM »

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair

BERLIN (Reuters) - A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

"He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure."

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.
 
"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."

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"You see, it's not the blood you spill that gets you what you want, it's the blood you share. Your family, your friendships, your community, these are the most valuable things a man can have." Before Dishonor - Hatebreed
Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2007, 12:24:01 PM »

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Tom Stillman
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« Reply #23 on: June 05, 2007, 11:32:15 PM »

   Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message..
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list..
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

 
 

   
 
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« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2007, 09:54:08 AM »

06/21/2007 09:07 AM ID: 63161

Fornicating Couple Falls off Roof, Both Die

Two South Carolina residents in their early 20's are dead after what police believe may have been a sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. An unwitting cab driver came across the two nude, lifeless bodies at around 5 a.m. Wednesday morning.


Police were summoned immediately, and an investigation began. The bodies were located next to a building, and police began to search the area. A check of the building's roof, some fifty feet off the ground below, revealed the couple's clothes.

Police are still looking into other possibilities, although there is currently no sign of foul play. "It's too early to rule out anything," said Columbia police Sgt. Florence McCants. Their identities have not yet been publicly released.

See http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6c8_1182369141 for the news clip.

S.

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« Reply #25 on: June 24, 2007, 01:04:52 AM »

Most all of us with women in our lives have done it. You can't find
something and what do you do? You ask your wife/significant other! And she
resents it. She gets tired of being asked where everything is. This is so
common a comedienne once mused, "The uterus is not a tracking device!"
For many years I carried this guilt of manhood. I thought, I'm a man, I
can't find anything and I shouldn't expect my wife to know where everything
is. But, admittedly, this still didn't stop the periodic inquiry.
So, the other night a typical scenario ensues and I ask the obligatory
question, "Honey, do you know where my (lost item here) is?" and I get the
obligatory response, "How should I know where your (lost item) is?!!" (This
is sometimes flavored with expletives.)
And then it hit me! Like a bolt out of the blue! That feeling you get when
you discover something so obvious, something that was in front of you the
whole time, but just realize it was there...

"Because you moved it. Because you cleaned and had to put it away. If you'd
just leave things where I put them down then I could find them, but you have
to tuck them in some corner somewhere. That's why I ask you where things
are, because you're the only one that knows where they are."

Oh, all those years of unnecessary guilt.
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« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2007, 12:31:06 PM »

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« Reply #27 on: July 06, 2007, 09:18:26 AM »

That's a very funny clip.
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« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2007, 12:32:56 PM »

9 WORDS WOMEN USE


1. "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.


2. "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour.
"Five minutes" is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


3. "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually
end
in "fine".


4. "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


5. "Loud Sigh": This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing".)


6. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can
make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


7. "Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say
"you're welcome".


8. "Whatever": Is a woman's way of saying "XXXX YOU!"


9. "Don't worry about it, I got it": Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
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« Reply #29 on: August 31, 2007, 12:10:46 PM »

Ran into a pretty wacky website called the "Museum of Hoaxes" that has a list of the top 20 Bizzare Science Experiments, the first two of which I've attached below. The rest can be found here:

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/Top/experiments/

#1: Elephants on Acid
What happens if you give an elephant LSD? On Friday August 3, 1962, a group of Oklahoma City researchers decided to find out.

Warren Thomas, Director of the City Zoo, fired a cartridge-syringe containing 297 milligrams of LSD into Tusko the Elephant's rump. With Thomas were two scientific colleagues from the University of Oklahoma School of Medicine, Louis Jolyon West and Chester M. Pierce.

297 milligrams is a lot of LSD — about 3000 times the level of a typical human dose. In fact, it remains the largest dose of LSD ever given to a living creature. The researchers figured that, if they were going to give an elephant LSD, they better not give him too little.

Thomas, West, and Pierce later explained that the experiment was designed to find out if LSD would induce musth in an elephant — musth being a kind of temporary madness male elephants sometimes experience during which they become highly aggressive and secrete a sticky fluid from their temporal glands. But one suspects a small element of ghoulish curiosity might also have been involved.

Whatever the reason for the experiment, it almost immediately went awry. Tusko reacted to the shot as if a bee had stung him. He trumpeted around his pen for a few minutes, and then keeled over on his side. Horrified, the researchers tried to revive him, but about an hour later he was dead. The three scientists sheepishly concluded that, "It appears that the elephant is highly sensitive to the effects of LSD."

In the years that followed controversy lingered over whether it was the LSD that killed Tusko, or the drugs used to revive him. So twenty years later, Ronald Siegel of UCLA decided to settle the debate by giving two elephants a dose similar to what Tusko received. Reportedly he had to sign an agreement promising to replace the animals in the event of their deaths.

Instead of injecting the elephants with LSD, Siegel mixed the drug into their water, and when it was administered in this way, the elephants not only survived but didn't seem too upset at all. They acted sluggish, rocked back and forth, and made some strange vocalizations such as chirping and squeaking, but within a few hours they were back to normal. However, Siegel noted that the dosage Tusko received may have exceeded some threshold of toxicity, so he couldn't rule out that LSD was the cause of his death. The controversy continues.
Comments (Cool

#2: Obedience
Imagine that you've volunteered for an experiment, but when you show up at the lab you discover the researcher wants you to murder an innocent person. You protest, but the researcher firmly states, "The experiment requires that you do it." Would you acquiesce and kill the person?

When asked what they would do in such a situation, almost everyone replies that of course they would refuse to commit murder. But Stanley Milgram's famous obedience experiment, conducted at Yale University in the early 1960s, revealed that this optimistic belief is wrong. If the request is presented in the right way, almost all of us quite obediently become killers.

Milgram told subjects they were participating in an experiment to determine the effect of punishment on learning. One volunteer (who was, in reality, an actor in cahoots with Milgram) would attempt to memorize a series of word pairs. The other volunteer (the real subject) would read out the word pairs and give the learner an electric shock every time he got an answer wrong. The shocks would increase in intensity by fifteen volts with each wrong answer.

The experiment began. The learner started getting some wrong answers, and pretty soon the shocks had reached 120 volts. At this point the learner started crying out, "Hey, this really hurts." At 150 volts the learner screamed in pain and demanded to be let out. Confused, the volunteers turned around and asked the researcher what they should do. He always calmly replied, "The experiment requires that you continue."

Milgram had no interest in the effect of punishment on learning. What he really wanted to see was how long people would keep pressing the shock button before they refused to participate any further. Would they remain obedient to the authority of the researcher up to the point of killing someone?

To Milgram's surprise, even though volunteers could plainly hear the agonized cries of the learner echoing through the walls of the lab from the neighboring room, two-thirds of them continued to press the shock button all the way up to the end of scale, 450 volts, by which time the learner had fallen into an eerie silence, apparently dead. Milgram's subjects sweated and shook, and some laughed hysterically, but they kept pressing the button. Even more disturbingly, when volunteers could neither see nor hear feedback from the learner, compliance with the order to give ever greater shocks was almost 100%.

Milgram later commented, "I would say, on the basis of having observed a thousand people in the experiment and having my own intuition shaped and informed by these experiments, that if a system of death camps were set up in the United States of the sort we had seen in Nazi Germany, one would be able to find sufficient personnel for those camps in any medium-sized American town."

[On YouTube: See scenes from Milgram's obedience experiment.]
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Crafty_Dog
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« Reply #30 on: September 17, 2007, 01:53:09 PM »

An oldie but goodie:

 
jvs
 
 
A young woman was just finishing her first year of college.   Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor or redistribution of wealth. She was ashamed that her father was a staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. She felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought was his.
 
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.  He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4. 0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to mai ntain. Difficult course load, no partying, no boyfriends, and not many friends because of the heavy studying.

Her father asked, "How's your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Barely getting by, she takes easy courses, never studies, goes to all the parties, and missed classes being hung-over, she barely has a 2.0 GPA."

The father says," Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to Audrey, who only has a 2.0, then you both will have a 3.0 GPA, certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of the GPA.  The daughter, visibly shocked by the suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked my tail off to get my good grades and Audrey has done next to nothing to get hers!"
 
The father slowly smiled, winked and gently said,"Welcome to the Republican Party"
 
 
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« Reply #31 on: September 18, 2007, 10:48:39 AM »

Someone Tries to Sell Belgium on eBay   

Sep 18 10:23 AM US/Eastern
By PAUL AMES
Associated Press Writer   
                  

BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) - Hidden among the porcelain fox hounds and Burberry tablecloths on sale at eBay.be this week was an unusual item: "For Sale: Belgium, a Kingdom in three parts ... free premium: the king and his court (costs not included)."
The odd ad was posted by one disgruntled Belgian in protest at his country's political crisis which reached a 100-day landmark Tuesday with no end in sight to the squabbling between Flemish and Walloon politicians.

"I wanted to attract attention," said Gerrit Six, the teacher and former journalist who posted the ad. "You almost have to throw rock through a window to get attention for Belgium."

Six placed the advertisement on Saturday, offering free delivery, but pointing out that the country was coming secondhand and that potential buyers would have to take on over $300 billion (euro220 billion) in national debt.

Like many of Belgium's 10 million citizens, Six is exasperated that the power struggle between the county's French- or Dutch-speaking political parties has left Belgium in political limbo since June 10 elections.

Demands for more autonomy from the Dutch-speaking Flemish are resisted by the French-speaking Walloons, making it impossible to form a government coalition and triggering concern the kingdom is on the verge of a breakup.

Six decided to vent his frustration through the Internet ad.

"My proposal was to make it clear that Belgium was valuable, it's a masterpiece and we have to keep it," he told Associated Press Television News. "It's my country and I'm taking care of it, and with me are millions of Belgians."

Six' idea got a mixed reaction on the streets of Brussels.

"Very funny, typical Belgian humor," said Anne Graux. "It's ridiculous," snapped Nathalie Ginot, a Brussels resident who had her own pragmatic solution to Belgium's woes. "We think it would be good to split Belgium into the three and make Brussels a tax-haven, a capital exempt from all taxes," she said hopefully.

Six vaunted Belgium's attractions to potential buyers from art nouveau architecture to the headquarters of NATO and the European Union and some great beers. But he also warned of the pitfalls of taking on the cacophonous mix of Flemish nationalists, Walloon Socialists and the mayors of all 19 Brussels' boroughs.

EBay was happy to take Six' advertisement.

"It was a really fun listing made by a Belgian," Peter Burin, PR manager of eBay Belgium. "This person, in a very funny way, reminded the Belgians what a great country Belgium actually is and it would be a shame to sell it."

However, the company decided to pull the add Tuesday after receiving a bid of euro10 million ($14 million)

"We decided to take it down, just to avoid confusion," he told APTN.
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« Reply #32 on: September 25, 2007, 05:33:36 PM »

Bad Day

I rear ended a car this morning...

I knew It was going to be a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am not Happy'.

I said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

That's when the fight started!!!
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« Reply #33 on: October 04, 2007, 01:12:37 PM »

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/02/onion.karate/index.html
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« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2007, 10:57:50 AM »


A drunken man, stinking of beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained and loose, his collar was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty gin bottle was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and slurred, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, my son. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh, God, no! I don't have it, Father! But, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2007, 03:24:37 PM »

Why Men don't write Advice Columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. U of Santa Clarita, CA

---------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. U:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter
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« Reply #36 on: January 24, 2008, 07:35:25 PM »

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
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-Because they taste funny.
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« Reply #37 on: January 25, 2008, 02:35:28 PM »

Guy walks into a bar, totally pissed off, and announces to the whole place "Lawyers are ASSHOLES!!".  Some guy stands up in the back and says "Hey!".  "O geez what are you a lawyer?"
"NO!  I'm an asshole!"
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-Because they taste funny.
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« Reply #38 on: January 28, 2008, 04:15:00 PM »

While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.'
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« Reply #39 on: January 29, 2008, 09:12:07 AM »

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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-Because they taste funny.
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« Reply #40 on: January 31, 2008, 08:34:30 AM »

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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-Because they taste funny.
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« Reply #41 on: February 06, 2008, 12:17:10 AM »

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee with two ice chests
full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as most government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
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« Reply #42 on: February 19, 2008, 11:03:04 AM »

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vital signs from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment & sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds it in one hand and carefully takes his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a
close look & gently replaces his gown & bedding. "There's nothing
wrong with them, sir."
With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was really wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely.

ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"
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« Reply #43 on: February 19, 2008, 08:44:36 PM »

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.  The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.  Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch; a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch' bell hadn't rung at all!  John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result, the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying  attention.

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Cindy "Pretty Kitty" Denny.
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« Reply #44 on: February 29, 2008, 12:09:41 PM »

http://www.maniacworld.com/frozen-in-grand-central-station.html

This is a prank on a "grand" scale. Over 200 people gathered at Grand Central Station in New York to pull off a 'frozen in place' act.
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Cindy "Pretty Kitty" Denny.
Dog Brothers, Inc.
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« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2008, 10:14:21 PM »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
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« Reply #46 on: March 22, 2008, 10:22:09 AM »

HELLO, SENATOR KENNEDY

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

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« Reply #47 on: April 28, 2008, 04:30:57 PM »

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. 
At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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« Reply #48 on: May 06, 2008, 02:26:03 PM »

Philadelphia Inquirer

April 23, 2008

MOORESTOWN, NJ – A South Jersey police officer, in jail after being accused of molesting three children, was charged yesterday with four counts of animal cruelty for having sex with barnyard animals, authorities said.

Patrolman Robert Melia, 38, was suspended last week by the Moorestown Police department after authorities raided his Moorestown home and seized a computer and pornographic materials.

The animal cruelty charges were filed after an examination of the seized materials, authorities said.

An investigation is continuing. Police said they were investigating four incidents involving cows.

 Moorestown, NJ, Patrolman Robert Melia has been charged with having sex with cows.
Melia and Pemberton filmmaker Heather Lewis, 32, were charged April 13 with the sexual assaults of three girls at Melia’s house. The assaults occured on multiple occasions during the last five years, said a spokesman for the Burlington County Prosecutor’s office said.

Melia is being held on $510,000 bail at the Burlington County Jail in Mount Holly. Lewis, who is charged with aggravated sexual assault and criminal sexual contact, is being held on $300,000 bail at the Women’s Detention Center in Pemberton.

(c) 2008 YellowBrix, Inc.
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« Reply #49 on: May 07, 2008, 01:07:34 PM »

from a US newspaper (1936)…


Soak the Rich

Father, must I go to work?
No! No! my darling son,
We’re living now on Easy Street
With funds from Washington

We're cared for now by Uncle Sam,
So don't get exercised;
We do not need to care a damn
Because we're subsidized.

But, dad, if he's going to treat us well
and give us all milk and honey,
Please tell me truly, where the hell
He's going to get the money?

Don't worry, child, there is no hitch
about this glorious plan --
He'll get the money from the rich
To help the common man.

But, dad, won't there come a time
if we take all their cash
and they are left without a dime,
when things will go to smash?

Son, you need a lot of seasoning,
you nosey little brat,
you do too damn much reasoning
to be a Democrat.
==================

I Want to be a Consumer
 
"And what do you mean to be?"
The kind old Bishop said
As he took the boy on his ample knee
And patted his curly head.
"We should all of us choose a calling
To help Society's plan;
Then what do you mean to be, my boy,
When you grow to be a man?"
 
"I want to be a Consumer,"
The bright-haired lad replied
As he gazed up into the Bishop's face
In innocence open-eyed.
"I've never had aims of a selfish sort,
For that, as I know, is wrong.
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help the world along.
 
"I want to be a consumer
And work both night and day,
For that is the thing that's needed most,
I've heard Economists say,
I won't just be a Producer,
Like Bobby and James and John;
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help the nation on."
 
"But what do you want to be?"
The Bishop said again,
"For we all of us have to work," said he,
"As must, I think, be plain.
Are you thinking of studying medicine
Or taking a Bar exam?"
"Why, no!" the bright-haired lad replied
As he helped himself to jam.
 
"I want to be a Consumer
And live in a useful way;
For that is the thing that's need most,
I've heard Economists say.
There are too many people working
And too many things are made.
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help to further Trade.
 
"I want to be a Consumer
And do my duty well;
For that is the thing that's needed most,
I've heard Economists tell.
I've made up my mind," the lad was heard,
As he lit a cigar, to say;
"I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And I want to begin today."


« Last Edit: May 07, 2008, 01:11:18 PM by Crafty_Dog » Logged
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