I'm in the mood to take my inner smart-a$$ out for a walk, so please indulge me. For those new folks planning on fighting in September, just show up and be mentally present. The rest will take care of itself. What follows is me just being silly; please don't take any of this seriously.
Guide Dog's Advice for "Winning" at a Dog Brother's Gathering1. When you arrive at the Gathering site, be sure to push a few people in line out of the way, even though Pretty Kitty or who ever is working the door will usually stop the line for the fighters. Does anyone really remember Apollo Creed from the Rocky movies? No way! We remember Mr. T's Clubber Lang, and why? Because he was an a$$hole. Act accordingly.
2. When Guro Crafty is giving the same pre- fight speech he always gives, make sure you are listening to your I-pod. After all, the day is really about you and you alone.
3. When the camera comes around to you and you have to say your name and your age, make sure that you use your title of "Super Grandmaster Founder" before doing so.
4. Before the fighting starts, make a point to not speak to anyone, especially the other fighters. This will really cultivate your air of mystery and cause everyone in the room to fear and respect you.
5. Be sure before your knife fights to specify that your opponent is not allowed to use any grappling, slashes, thrusts, punching, kicking, lead switches, or fakes. This is after all a simulation of a knife fight! If you score a lethal shot in exchange for your opponent scoring a lethal shot a half second later, that is a major victory.
6. Be sure to inspect any potential opponent's stick(s). First, measure the weapon, then quickly run it through an X-ray filter. Demand that your opponent provide the name of the manufacturer of the stick, as well as the forms to indicate that the weapon(s) cleared customs in a legal fashion if the sticks were not made in America. Once the weapon(s) has/have been deemed legitimate, escort your potential opponent to the restroom where you will verify his/her weight and height, and obtain a urine sample. Do not take any fights with anyone who weighs more than five pounds than you do, or is more than three inches taller than you, as doing so is simply NOT how it is going to be in the street. After all, MMA has weight classes, and MMA is as close as it gets to real combat. If the urine sample comes back positive for caffeine, call off the fight. You
do not associate with people who use performance enhancing drugs.
7. If someone does manage to make it through your screening process and you agree to a stick fight, be sure that when on deck, you are drawing as much attention to yourself as possible, almost making it impossible for anyone to watch the fight in progress. You are, after all, NEXT, and everyone better damn well know it. Be sure to say some really personal, inappropriate, profanity-laden comments about your opponent just before you put your mouthpiece in and fencing mask on. Dog Brothers is all about stress testing; your opponent will thank you for pointing out that his wife is a fat whore, because that will cause him to really lose his temper and if he still happens to be breathing after your fight having come in seething with rage, than you have given him a great gift.
8. If you do score a shot, and your opponent waves you off to indicate the fight is over, by all means, hit him/her as hard as you can anyway. STRIKE HARD! STRIKE FAST! NO MERCY, SIR!
9. When the fight is over, if your opponent attempts to give you a hug, ESPECIALLY if you are male, eye-jab the prick! Let all the ladies in the house know that you are STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT. Even though you just got done doing a real contact stick fight, hugging someone of the same gender sends the wrong message. Showing that you are a nice person gives you about as much street cred as a 10 year-old girl showing off her Kelly Clarkson CD collection.
10. When the day's fights are over, immediately demand that you are the first in line for a tribal ascension, particularly if it is your first day fighting, and particularly if you only had one stick fight, did not sustain any injuries, but decided to call it a day as a "favor" to the other fighters.
11. At each level: dog, C-dog, and full DB, the moment after Guro Crafty asks you to rise, make sure you shout, "Where's my fu&%in' belt?
!!!!"
12. When you do make full DB, demand that Top Dog go back to simply "Eric Knaus", because it's pretty clear that you are the real Top Dog in the group.
13. Each day, send Guro Crafty an E-mail reminding him that you are still waiting for your Tuhonship in DBMA, and as a mere Guro, he needs to get moving on that sh&%!
