Humor

[Crafty_Dog]

Woof All:

  Like the title says, this thread is for humor.  "R" rated Ok, but not "X" please.

  I've been travelling more of late and the following cracked me up.

Yip,
Crafty Dog
=====================

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted."


From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.


"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."


Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door whilethe passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."


A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - SH*T! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
==============

This guy is flying down the interstate, going way faster than he should be, and consequently he gets pulled over by the state police. When the officer comes up to the window, the man says, ?Before you say anything, I should probably tell you that this car is stolen, I have an unregistered handgun in the glove compartment, and there is a dead body in the trunk.? The officer, in absolute shock, calls for backup and within minutes the road is blocked off and there are cops all around. They search the car and find none of the things he said to be true. After investigating, the sergeant approaches the driver and says, ?I don?t understand. I spoke with the officer who pulled you over, and he said you told him there was a gun in the glovebox, a body in the trunk, and that the car was stolen. What?s the deal here?? The man stands there dumbfounded, then says, ?I bet he told you I was speeding, too, huh??

[pau]

AHAHAHAHAH I LOVE Qantas AHHAAHAHHAAH  

[Crafty_Dog]

Subject: pilot wisdom

 
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall
Fear No Evil ... For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach
3. (Paul F.Crickmore - test pilot)

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism;
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in
the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is
like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene
of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another
expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If
ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last
words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can
get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all
luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never
left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something
was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your
funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II. When a
prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the
softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and
gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it
can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley,
Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't
flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride,
astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing
as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover -
renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on
it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &
aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a
good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night
carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in
life where you get to experience all three at the
same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been
there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A
DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the
'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's
about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the
air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the
air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when
it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


 
   
 
____________________________________________________
  IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here

[Crafty_Dog]

No cheating, answers below:
 
 
World's EASIEST QUIZ (Passing only requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 

, , ,


, , ,


, , ,  


, , ,




========================


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
 
 
 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
 
     116 years
 
 2) Which country makes Panama hats?
 
     Ecuador
 
 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
 
     Sheep and Horses
 
 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
 
     Revolution?  

     November
 
 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
 
     Squirrel fur
 
 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  

     Dogs
 
 7) What was King George VI's first name?
 
     Albert
 
  What color is a purple finch?
 
     Crimson
 
 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
 
     New Zealand
 
 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?  

     Orange, of course.
 

 What do you mean, you failed?

[Anonymous]

Subject: News Flash: Jews Give Up Control of the World.

Gibson's Father Convinces Jews To Give Up World Control
By Dan Barash

Bowing to intense pressure from Mel Gibson's father, Jews announced today that they would no longer control the world. In a press release, Jews stated, "Although we have thoroughly enjoyed the challenges of world domination for the last 300 years, we feel it's time for gentiles to take control of their own affairs. We plan to spend more time with our families and pursue other interests."

Hutton Gibson stated he was pleased with the announcement, but expressed concern he was losing a scapegoat for all of his problems. He said he would be launching a search for a new minority group to demonize.

Many Jews expressed relief that they could give up burdensome
responsibilities. Retired accountant Jerry Friedman, who controls all media in Montana, said, "I would just as well let the citizens of Montana manage their own TV and newspapers. Don't get me wrong, Montana is a fine state. But it gets awfully cold, and there's nowhere to get a good bagel."

Attorney Allen Franks said he's glad he no longer has to manage Bulgarian monetary policy. "It was getting to be quite a hassle," he said. "I already have a full time job and can't even balance my own checkbook, let alone control the finances of an entire nation."

Homemaker Judith Levine said she would "...miss the hustle and bustle of
setting the international price for magnesium every day. But my son is about to be Bar Mitzvah'd, and oy! Such a party we're gonna have you wouldn't believe!"

Hollywood producer Sidney Greenbaum was pessimistic about the announcement. "Do you really think goyim know how to make movies?" he asked. "They'll all end up being high budget, technicolor snuff flicks if you leave things up to Mel and his kind."

Comedy experts expressed concern that the business would suffer if Jews suddenly withdrew. According to one insider, "Take away all the Jewish comics and writers, and all you have left is Carrot Top. That's not a world I want to live in."

A potluck dinner in honor of Jews' contributions to mankind will be held at
the Hoboken Holiday Inn on April 3. All gentiles are welcome to attend.
Participants will be encouraged to share an offensive Jewish joke.

[Anonymous]

Reasons not to mess with a child...


1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.
She's dead. "

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

[Guard Dog]

Haha!
  Keep 'em coming!

Gruhn

[pretty_kitty]

In honor of Rodney -- 21 of Dangerfield's Best One Liners:

1. I was so poor growing up . . . if I wasn't a boy . . . I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work .. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid . . . When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby . . . My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly . . . My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly . . . M y mother had morning sickness . . . AFTER I
was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly . . . I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was
in the electric chair.

[pretty_kitty]

http://www.laserp.com/fun_stuff/good_beer1.htm

[pretty_kitty]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was stonished to see the  bed  was  nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope  propped  up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With  the  worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with  trembling hands:

 Dear Mom,
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to  elope  with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and  you.   I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with  all  his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.    But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will  be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children  with me  and that's now one of my dreams too.
 
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be  growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure  for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
 
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Your daughter,
 
Judith


PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.  I  just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.   I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[pretty_kitty]

Puns for Intellectuals

1.. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
Thestewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only onecarrion per passenger."

2.. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3.. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star.
The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known
as the lesser of two weevils

4.. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5.. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon,
slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to
the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7.. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where
they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments
The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to
disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8.. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian
family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is
named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen
Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

9.. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry
payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
business flourished. A rival florist became upset
that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from
the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist
went to them and begged that they shut down. Again, they refused. Therefore,
the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went
to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their
shop, and said that if they did not close, he would be back. Well, very
terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved
that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10.. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad
breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's
good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11.. Finally, ...there once was a woman who sent ten puns to some friends
in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[buzwardo]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Crafty_Dog]

Message: INTERNATIONAL THINKING

AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

[buzwardo]

I'm still several years away from having to contend with this, but figure it's never too early to start researching how other fathers have dealt with the situation. . . .

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[grizzly]

The night before christmas

'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill,
And we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
In the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
Had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.

Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
And sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
He said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz,
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings:
A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
And busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
He said,"You best get on up out my face!"

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
Was a loud and hearty.....
BROOKLYN'S IN DA HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[xtremekali]

Woof All,

Came across these while traveling to Moscow.

LITTLE KNOWN CHRISTMAS FACT

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behing schedule.

Then Mr.s Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffe and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffe pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

OSAMA IS BAD
Smart little girl-a valentine for Osama Bin Laden

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks," will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No,I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we'er not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone alot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and ge looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wounderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, " and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the @#*@ out of him."

[buzwardo]

A new tool has been developed to help the FBI track suspected terrorist internet usage. Check it out at:

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[Crafty_Dog]

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post ran its yearly contest in
which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings.
Here are the results:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

[buzwardo]

Warning: this link involves electronically veiled full frontal male nudity. With that said, I about laughed up a lung when I first saw it. No doubt there is also a martial art application of the intimidation technique displayed here.

http://www.schwartzy.com/videos/basketball.mpg

[buzwardo]

A really tasteless, horribly funny, fake Volkswagen ad. For those of you old enough to remember it, this tops National Lampoon's "If Ted Kennedy drove a VW, he'd be President today" parody.

http://www.boreme.com/bm/JAN05/a/vw-suicide-bomber/fr.htm

[buzwardo]

If you ever wondered why you shouldn't buy a katana from the Home Shopping Network, take a gander:

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?video=Shopping-Network-Katana

[Guard Dog]

If you ever wondered why you shouldn't buy a katana from the Home Shopping Network, take a gander:

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?video=Shopping-Network-Katana

Thats great!

[Crafty_Dog]

From: Division of Game Fish and Parks
      State of South Dakota


Due to the rising frequency of human-mountain lion encounters, the State of South Dakota, Division of Game Fish and Parks, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions while in the Black Hills.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub droppings and adult lion droppings.

Lion cub droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and rabbit fur.  Adult lion droppings usually have bells in it, and smell like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in the beautiful Black Hills of S.D.

[pretty_kitty]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.."

[Crafty_Dog]

(it's OK to laugh at this, even if you're not Jewish)


Six retired Floridians are playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz, who just lost $500 on a single hand, suddenly turns white, clutches his chest -- and drops dead right on the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued to play while standing up. Finklestein eventually looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They draw cards, and Goldberg draws the high card.

They caution Goldberg to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks hin what he wants. In a low voice, Goldberg says, "Your husband just lost $500 and now he's afraid to come home."

The wife shouts, "Tell him to drop dead!"

Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

[French Cat]

Hi all,

I've translated those two jokes, I hope that they are understandable


1-

that's the First Day of a new young teacher. When she enters in the classroom she see the word "penis" written in small letters in the center of the blackboard.
She asks who has written this, but as no one answer, she erases the word and begin her class.

the day after, same thing: "penis" is written a bit larger. She erases it without a word, and begin her class. The next day, same thing, the word is written larger than before. And each day, that's the same thing, and the word is always written larger.

Then the Saturday comes, and the teacher see with surprise, written in the center of the blackboard: "the more you rub, the more it enlarges"


2-

A young American woman that have been dropped by her girlfriend try to flood her depression by going in all the bars of the city. At least, she arrive in a bar located in the last stage of the Empire State Building.

there, she sees a man that seems to bore himself. She sits aside and asks him directly:

"-So, what are you doing alone, beautiful man ?
- I'm drinking a magic beer
- A magic beer ?
- yes... look at me"

the guy drinks a bit of his glass of beer, look at the young woman straight in the eyes, walks toward the window, open it and jump in the void.
he make 3 loopings, turn 2 times around the Empire State Building, and then go back inside the bar, sits aside the young woman and smile.

"-Oh, that's fantastic ! can I try ? please !"

the guy smiles, look at her like a playboy, and let her drink in his glass. the woman drinks the entire glass, then run toward the window and... "Aaaaaaaah !" she fall to the ground.

then the bartender, who wasn't paying attention to the scene, turns toward the guy, and say:

"-Honestly Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"

[Crafty_Dog]

Texas Chili Cook-off

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili! wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods! not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my but with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[buzwardo]

Caution: this site features a naked female fanny. Normally too sexist and silly for my tastes, I can't figure out how they make the tush is question do what it does. Check it out at:

http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html

[argyll]

Oooh Ooh.  I've got one:

Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  
 
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.  
 
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
 
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
 
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that
is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.  

Best regards,

Argyll

[isthereadog?]

before saving the kid

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2005/05/20/national/a132119D01.DTL

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/n/a/2005/05/20/national/a132119D01.DTL&o=0

[vigil]

How could an innocent question like "Do you know me?" end up like this? Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

 In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 She responded,"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones.do you know the defense attorney?"

 She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 The defense attorney almost died.

 The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.

[argyll]

As long as we are on the topic:

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Best regards,

Argyll

[Crafty_Dog]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a
blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees
to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls
out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references. He taps into the digital cellphone via wireless
connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his
co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows.
And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes
the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the
$50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[buzwardo]

Redneck IQ Test
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?

I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.

[Crafty_Dog]

Subject: FW: Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads-

40-ish...........................................49

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone

Athletic......................................No boobs

Average looking..................................Ugly

Beautiful.....................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure......................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat

Free spirit.........................! ...........Junkie

Friendship first..........................Former slut

Fun..........................................Annoying

New-Age................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned..................................No BJs

Open-minded.................................Desperate

Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................Bitch

Voluptuous...................................Very Fat

Large frame................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You ! will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am ups et, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Crafty_Dog]

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name them. Finally after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They set in provisions on their ship, said their good-byes and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving wife saw a lone man walking toward her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish won the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw him again."

"Oh husband, how terrible! What a huge fish that must have been! What a horrible, horrible fish to have taken my Towards. What a horrible fish..."

"Yes, it was, he replied. But you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[pretty_kitty]

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Crafty_Dog]

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked
by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board
off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it,
breaking the dog's neck.
 
 
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident
and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data
into his laptop, beginning with the headline:
 
"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"
 
 "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
 
 "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I
just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:
 
 "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"
 
 "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
 
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either
for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like? "
 
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy
says.
 
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
 
"Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

[Crafty_Dog]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged



Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens
Disoriented Are

Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Street and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and
Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants

Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna
Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ....

Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but
Couldn't Leave My
House

Autistic - Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock
and Rock and
Rock

Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles
from My House
in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiance Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing
Santa Cla! us So
I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little
Christmas While
I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Narcoleptic - Jingle Bellzzzzzz...

[Crafty_Dog]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward foursome of men playing the next hole. The
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side; she loosened
his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She
then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[pretty_kitty]

Subject: Three management lessons

Here are three management lessons for the day. Situation: An eagle was
sitting on a tree and doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and
asked, "Can I also sit on my ass, like you, and do nothing?" The eagle
answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground, below the
eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.

Management Lesson One: To be sitting on your ass doing nothing, you must
be sitting very high up.



Situation:  A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I don't have the
energy." "Why don't you nibble on my manure droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at the manure
and found it actually gave him strength to reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after pecking more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally, after the fourth day, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot him out
of the tree.

Management Lesson Two:  Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.



Situation:  A bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While lying
there, a cow came by and dropped dung on it. As the frozen bird lay in
the pile of dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began
to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson Three: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your
enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3)
When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

[Crafty_Dog]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the
$25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He
asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[buzwardo]

Well produced scathing parody of a Communist web site. One "headline" reads: ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split? Someone clearly has too much time on his hands. . . .

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/

[Crafty_Dog]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[outcast]

That's a similar joke to the one you told in the Combining Stick and Footwork, yes?

[Crafty_Dog]

Yes.  

[buzwardo]

Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny?s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.


Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94, briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily "boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment Molly Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity -- said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden, repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10 apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles, easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment, looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan -- made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.  
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography allowed is allegorical, in throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction,? he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT Technologies dismissed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and "please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

Picking up the Pieces

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw:  a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those cartoons of Mike Ditka."

[Crafty_Dog]

Kitty UFC

http://www.johnheffron.com/html/av/av.html

[Crafty_Dog]

The following 15 Police comments were taken off of actual cop car videos
around the country.

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
     out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a
     worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't
     know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet."

11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
     write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
     it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that
    again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
    drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
    to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through the computer."

4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

3. "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
    we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
    yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And...

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
    You're right, we don't...  Sign here.

[Crafty_Dog]

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, one of which was already occupied. So I entered the vacant one, as you do, and dropped my trousers and sat down.

 

A voice from the next cubicle said "Hello mate, how are you doing?" I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude replied, "Yeah, not too bad, Thanks".

 

After a pause I heard the voice again: "So, what are you up to mate?" Again, I answered somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say now, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.... how about yourself?"

 

I then heard the voice for the third time...."Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back... I've got some d*ckhead in the next cubicle answering everything I say!"